Craig’s Hate List

1. Somebody blocking my car in when I need to get somewhere! The worst is when you are already running late, and you ask someone to move their car, but they say they are leaving anyway, only to spend 15 more minutes saying goodbyes before actually moving their car.

2. People with initials for names. Like K.C., or some crap. How do they get away with this? If I just up and decided I didn’t want anyone using my name anymore and used initials for myself, do you think anyone would listen to me? No. And no one should listen to these people either.

3. People who have their windshield wipers on high when it is barely raining out. At a stoplight, there is always that one idiot that has their wipers on high and it is drizzling. Put your wipers on the slow intermittent level! All I can imagine when I see them on full blast is the wipers making that rubbing noise against the dry windshield.

4. Men who force out a fart while taking a pee in a public bathroom! They all do it. I hope one day they shit their pants.

5. People who answer the phone with their last name, such as “Smith’s residence.” I hate that. Haven’t you ever heard of “Hello?” You’re not a secretary. Lighten up.

6. Parents carrying babies around with no shirts on. Babies that are so young they could go as either sex, so parents must think it is okay to let them go around naked.

7. Forwarded email that has page after page of old headers from past forwards. 99% of the time, once you reach the actual message, it is only one or two lines of crap that you could have done without reading in the first place.

8. Traffic reports on the radio. No one wants their music stopped every ten minutes to hear some maggot talk about the same delays that you hear about every damn day.

9. Meteorologists on TV who insert their opinion about the forecast. “Unfortunately, it is going to be a chilly 50 tomorrow, but it will get back to good old 85 over the weekend.” Some of us like it when it’s 50!

10. People in line at a stop sign of a clear intersection that each slowly creep up to the sign and come to a complete stop before continuing. Obviously, no one is coming, so just go! You already stopped! I don’t care what the law is, this is lunacy.

11. People in the grocery store who would rather stand behind 17 people in the “10 items or less” line than stand behind one person with a full load in the regular line. As if they are going to get out faster because 17 people have a few things!

12. When a television news crew sends a driver dozens of miles away to video tape the area where something silly happened earlier that day. Later on the news you will be glad to see a three second clip of someones house in the woods were a mailman was bitten by a dog earlier that afternoon. Who cares!

13. Billboards on the side of the interstate that say stupid things like, “Heaven ahead, don’t exit without Jesus.”

14. People with an outrageous number of bumper stickers on their cars, as if anyone behind them cares what they think.

15. Parking lots with 20 empty handicapped spaces when I have to park a mile away. If you have a handicapped parking tag and you can walk around inside the mall, you can probably walk to it.

16. Television news people seeking out the most ghetto redneck white trailer trash to interview after a natural disaster.

17. No matter how careful you are with your toothpaste, within one week there is always that heaping gob around the top that keeps the cap from ever going back on.

18. Every time I hear a song on the radio that I actually like, I turn it on in just enough time to identify it before it is over. Generally, I hate the radio anyway.

19. When you don’t think to shake a ketchup bottle and the first thing to come out is that clear red, runny shit. Yuck!

20. Mini-van moms, riding around alone in a big van, all by themselves with a bag of groceries, driving slow and getting in my way. What is that huge car for? I hardly ever see a whole family in one. And when I’m behind one with a man driving alone, I think “Get out of my way, you castrated bastard.”

21. The post office not running on Sundays. All letters written over the weekend should be thrown out by Monday because the letter you wrote usually doesn’t even apply anymore by the time it is picked up. Mail should be seven days a week. The worst is the fact that almost every time I order something through the mail, there always ends up being a holiday somewhere in the mix, making it come right after the weekend is over. I can understand the post office not running at Christmas, but George Washington’s birthday? Gimme a break, you lazy asses.

22. People who turn their headlights on while driving in a parking deck. It is usually well lit in there, not to mention it is also sunny and 90 degrees outside. Get your incompetency out of my way.

23. Those people in front of you while you’re sitting in the straight-lane at a stoplight who let off the brakes as if they are going somewhere when they see the turning-lane light turn green.

24. When a song fades away at the end. Why don’t the artists write a close to every song? They create some pleasing noise, but at the end they give up and fade away, repeating the punch line over and over until you can’t hear it, or stand it anymore. This is one reason that I usually prefer live versions of songs over their originals.

25. When you read recipes on the back of cereal boxes and they instruct you to, “Use 2 cups of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, combined with ½ cup of Kellogg’s milk, and a teaspoon of Kellogg’s sugar. Best eaten with a Kellogg’s spoon.”

26. The ridiculous darkness knob on a toaster. As if anyone ever uses that properly. After toasting just one thing, your next pair of waffles is shooting out every few seconds because the almighty toaster darkness meter is so sure that you don’t need to cook them anymore. Get rid of this useless knob! I can handle it myself!

27. People who drive around in their car with the A/C set to the windshield defroster. Somehow, everybody I know that drives a Honda always has the air on defrost although it is sunny and nice out. It isn’t my car, so I shouldn’t care, but it gets on my nerves anyway.

28. Appliances that have moved every necessary button to a remote control. If you lose your stereo or VCR remote these days, all you’ll be able to accomplish is turning the power on and then back off again.

29. People that lock their car with a key from the outside. Is this supposed to make them look sophisticated or something? Push the button down and shut the door. The only thing more annoying is the people with car alarms that have to reach way out and make it chirp as they walk away.

30. The expression: “Six of one, half a dozen of the other.”

31. When I forget things that I want to add to my hate list.

32. Apple butter.

33. Books, movies, tales, and stories about vampires. The idea is very tired. Tired, and beaten to death. Let it die. Enough vampires! Let’s get on with our lives. Zombies are another matter. Somehow, I never get tired of them.

34. When an author uses the word “earth” to describe dirt. For example: “Tommy thrust his hands deep into the moist earth, clutching it in his fingers.” You can’t see it, but my eyes are rolling.

35. When a child dies and their parents decide to dedicate their lives fighting that thing that killed their kid. I saw on TV once where a family was on some committee to rid the world of trampolines because their kid fell off and died from it. Get a life, people. Face it, he had a bad landing. Don’t try to ruin it for the more intelligent kids.

36. Little kids in the grocery store with no shoes on. Put some shoes on the kid! This mostly stems from when I was a kid and would go to the grocery store always to see little trashy kids running around barefoot down the aisles.

37. The horrible annoying sound of a woman squealing on the radio over winning something stupid. It is usually something as trivial as a gift certificate to the Waffle House. And you can hardly make out what they are saying over the muffled sound of their phone combined with their scream, “Oh my God!!! (Squeal).” You’re going to spend more money in gas getting to the station to pick up your prize than just going out to eat.

38. The stupid stance that cheerleaders get into when they put one fist on their hip and the other fist in the air. That looks so stupid. What is the point of cheerleaders, anyway? Especially in pro sports. There is no need for them. And why are they yelling at the crowd? Don’t yell at me, yell at the players! I can’t do anything about the plays from where I am sitting. Yell at them! And let me say that cheerleading is in no way a sport.

39. College sports. I hate this mostly because the community has to get involved and root for one team or the other. Face it, unless you pay money and are an enrolled student at the school playing the game, go get a life. I hate seeing people walking around town wearing shirts with college football or basketball teams on them. As if they go to that school or know anyone who does. Ugh.

40. 99% of all Top 40 songs I’ve heard on the radio between January of 1990 through December of 1999. You know what I’m talking about.

41. When you are waiting to get into someone’s car and after they get in, they reach over and clean things off the dirty passenger seat before unlocking the door on your side. I’d at least like to say something to the driver or maybe just have the door open and not stand outside the locked car like an idiot.

42. Strangers at gas stations or other places who walk over to you to give you an invitation to their church for the next coming Sunday. Go away.

43. Those old coat hangers with the cardboard bar to hang your clothes on. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that works. It is always bent or broken because it is such a stupid design, so you can never hang anything heavy on it or it will fold in half.

44. When you take a drink from a water fountain and right in the middle of your drinking, somebody flushes a toilet nearby and the water falls down to a dribble for a few seconds before bouncing back up. Ack! For a second, I always think: Am I drinking toilet water?

45. The sound of a busy signal. Haven’t these people heard of call waiting? It isn’t anything new. A busy signal is the second worst sound in the world, next to an alarm clock.

46. When people call a stove a “range.”

47. Guys named Brad.

48. British people (or anyone) who insert the word “me” in the place of the word “my” in a sentence. Example: “I gotta pain in me stomach.”

49. Song remixes. We’ve heard it a thousand times already, so we don’t want to hear one more long drawn out version of it that just repeats itself over and over against a backdrop of techno.

50. The fact that every vacuum cleaner ever made has never had a power cord that is long enough. You plug it in on the side of the room you start out on, but when you get a few inches from the other side of the room, the cord yanks out of the socket, making you walk all the way back to find another outlet. Really, how much more could it cost the manufacturer to give us an extra few feet?

51. People who can’t communicate both on the phone and to a person in the room at the same time. Why is this so hard! The worst is when someone is talking on the phone in front of you and you keep saying out loud to them, “Let me talk to them before you hang up.” And they hang up anyway because they can’t handle two conversations at once. I hope that someday natural selection weeds these people out.

52. The tradition of putting pictures in your wallet. Where did this idea come from? As if I can’t remember what my loved ones look like, so I need to pull out some wallet-sized photos at the stoplight.

53. Anyone who has a fish hook on their hat.

54. Old ladies that have one normal looking ankle and one really fat swollen one. What is that?! Drain that thing.

55. Have you ever noticed how much old men rattle change around in their pockets when they’re standing around talking? What’s all that change for?

56. Any show, group, or gathering that has in the title “...and Friends.” That sounds so cheesy. What is this, Barney?

57. When walking barefoot on a kitchen or tiled floor and small crumbs and dirt stick to your feet.

58. Previews on video and DVD. It has grown worse with the newer DVD releases that have ads that it won’t let you fast-forward through. Who wants to sit through ten previews of movies that have come and gone? Wait, my old roommate sure did.

59. Coconut. Yuck. It is so nasty. To me, it does not taste sweet, but bitter. And it has the consistency of dry sand. I always avoid coconut, but on occasion, I am tricked when I have a chocolate sampler and I can’t tell what I am getting myself into.

60. Whenever a movie shows a naked baby boy and his little dick can be seen. Why include it in the scene? I don’t want to see that. Change the camera!

61. Music videos filled with choreographed dancing. I think in general that music should sell itself and you don’t need lots of flashy videos and dancing to make you turned on to it. This is especially true when you have to look at 10 idiots in a line all dancing in sync and just mouthing the words to some already retarded song.

62. The obnoxious Disney movie vault. This is where old, worn out Disney movies are kept hidden away and released again every few years to drum up interest. Please give it a rest already! I wish every parent would stop buying into this stupid scam. If all the gullible people would stop feeding this madness, they’d be forced to change. Personally, I wish Disney and Co. would just disappear from our lives forever. 03.09.08

63. When you’re sitting behind someone at the drive-thru and you are one car away from the window, and the person in front of you keeps turning their head to the left to look inside the fast food place, making you think every two seconds that the person is coming to give them food so they can get out of your way. What are these jizzholes staring at inside if no one is coming with their food?

64. Pictures of chicks posing against a motorcycle or sports car. This turns people on? Why? Just show us the goods and lose the props.

65. Mail-in rebates! If this list was in order of most hated, this would be in the top 10. I swear to you that this is a scam. Never, and I mean never, never, never will you ever, ever, ever get any one single penny back from one of those advertised mail-in rebates. I’ve tried it time and time again, correctly giving them receipt copies, UPC symbols, fingerprints, blood samples, you name it...and I have never seen that money. They have a little small print saying that if you have not received your rebate in 8 weeks to call a phone number. By then you’ve thrown out the package. That is how they get you. [Update Nov. 2003: As of today, I have indeed received a few rebates back, but still hate ’em.]

66. Ladies who wear a sweater on their shoulders without putting their arms through the sleeves. Does this keep you warm or something? You look like an old librarian.

67. When the traffic at any stoplight or intersection slowly, bit-by-bit, creeps forward. You find yourself correcting the distance between you and the car in front of you like 5 or 6 times. And all the while, the light is still red. Is everyone that impatient? As if maybe if you inch forward 2 or 3 inches you’ll get home sooner...yeah right.

68. Stepping on anything wet if you’re wearing socks, leaving you with a soggy sock plastered to your foot.

69. The word “vain.” For some reason, this word is like a nail on a chalkboard to me. Especially when used in the context of something being “in vain.”

70. Middle-aged ladies whose saggy underarms flap when they wave or hold their hands up in the air. Gross! Put that away.

71. When someone in a movie or TV show points a gun at someone and holds it sideways like they’re some kind of gangster. You can’t aim a gun like that.

72. Kids in video arcades who like to stand behind you and tell you how to play the game. Go away, you little bastard.

73. Why is it that you pay between ten and twenty thousand dollars for a car and they are so cheap they can’t put a real spare tire in the trunk? Twenty thousand dollars and you get a small lawnmower-sized replacement tire. What a rip off.

74. Circus peanuts! You know, those tan looking marshmallow peanuts you see at the store? They’re friggin’ terrible.

75. Old men who wear bow ties. I don’t really hate it so much as I just think that they’re odd. How many years ago did they fall off the fashion wagon?

76. When you lift the toilet seat at someones house who has a big puffy seat cover. While you pee, you can literally watch the seat slowly moving. It moves toward slamming down, making you about to pee all over it. And for a split second you think about it as you watch it creep forward, and have to make a snap decision if you are going to beat it.

77. When anyone uses the word “trippin” to describe someone acting foolishly.

78. Advertisements for a grocery store that talk about sale prices on select fruit or other products. “Boneless chicken breast, $1.99 a pound, fresh ripe bananas 59 cents a pound, etc...” Why don’t they just advertise the whole store instead of wasting paper or expensive radio time to advertise stupid petty things like that? As if I’m going to make a u-turn at the next light and bolt for the store to catch a deal on bananas.

79. Anyone talking to me that has a gold tooth.

80. Waking up in the middle of the night with your arm asleep, when the circulation has been cut off so bad that you can’t move it on your own. You have to kind of sling your whole body around to flip your arm free and hold dead still for the next two minutes so that the tingle doesn’t kill you.

81. Anyone who refers to a pair of pants as either “trousers” or “britches.”

82. Someone watching me while I’m brushing my teeth. I can’t really explain this. It just is.

83. When people tap the top of a canned drink before they open it, claiming it keeps it from fizzing over. I doubt it.

84. The word “dingleberry”!

85. That song that goes, “Stop children, what’s that sound, everybody look what’s goin’ down...” Ahh! Just hearing the guitar at the beginning is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And it’s in every movie involving either the 60s or Vietnam. Stop already.

86. When someone’s name contains a nickname in quotes. Such as: Tim “The Man” Jones. What the hell is this crap? Is this legal?

87. When in a TV show or movie they have some stupid monkey or chimp acting stupid. They always clap their hands and make some dumb face with their teeth and the filmmakers use it after a funny scene as if the monkey has an opinion about what just happened. This has been used way too many times and it probably wasn’t that good the first time.

88. Martha Stewart. [I have lightened up on this one a little.]

89. Clogging! Cloggers! Any type of clog-related activity. Get out of my sight!

90. Saltine crackers and Ginger-Ale! Gross! Separate, or together, I won’t put either of these in my mouth. This is sick food that you are only supposed to eat if you have a temperature of 105. Some people consume these on purpose. God help ’em.

91. On TV when you see a person having an attack, they struggle to get out some pills. Then they swallow one in their clutched hand and the second their mouth closed, they sigh with relief. What?! As if it has even gotten in their stomach yet. What is this?

92. Girls with hairy armpits. I’m sorry, but get that outta here. Seriously. It should look like a babys butt under there.

93. On a cheap alarm clock, the little dot that, when lit, represents the difference between AM and PM. This always leads to confusion in setting the alarm. Why can’t they have it display AM and PM in giant letters?

94. P.E. - Physical education.

95. Any song on the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack. I hate the entire movie, as well. It is a ghastly piece of shit.

96. Anybody whose belly button pokes out. (Pregnant women included.)

97. When your feet are wet, and though they may appear to look dry, it is still nearly impossible to put a sock on your foot.

98. The expression “the pot calling the kettle black.” Who was the first person who said this? It’s dumb.

99. Cheap glass coffee pots that spill down the side while you pour them. They all do it and I don’t understand why! Didn’t anyone at the coffee pot factory actually try to pour liquid out of the pot before they made a million more?

100. Anyone with a goiter poking out of their neck. Gross!!! I just want to get a steak knife and whack it off.

101. That stupid game show on TV where mega-losers just run around a grocery store guessing the prices of stuff and trying to find it on the shelves. “Supermarket Sweep,” I’ve been told it’s called. Who is more of a loser, the people on the show or the people at home who watch it?

102. People that when talking on the phone, can never seem to get off of it. You are waiting for someone to get off of the phone and you hear key words that make you think they are getting ready to hang up, but all you hear is “okay...okay......okay...well I’d better go......okay......okay” and they keep going and going and going. Just hang up the phone!

103. When people name desserts “sinful.” Like those old country ladies that have recipes for “sinful cake,” because it is supposed to be so sweet. I hate it!

104. The term “baby boomers”!

105. When you go to rinse out a cereal bowl in the kitchen sink and leave the spoon sitting in it. You set the bowl in the sink, turn on the water, and it shoots all over the counter because it’s hitting the spoon. This happens a lot!

106. The horribly annoying sound of an electric kitchen knife. Can’t modern technology catch up with these obnoxious ear piercing appliances?!

107. Idiots in front of me in huge, beastly SUVs and trucks that slow to a halt to drive over a railroad track or speed bump! They all do it. Funny, on the commercials they show them driving carelessly over mountains. What is your problem, you pussy!

108. The fact that most alarm clocks need a 9-volt battery in it to keep the time if the power goes out. And it doesn’t even display the time while it is out! Does it? Mine doesn’t. It just keeps the time stored, waiting for it to come back on. Well, that’s nice, but my watch can keep time for years with a micro battery. So what are the other 8 volts for?

109. Old people that drive around wearing those super jumbo sunglasses that go on top of their regular glasses. They look like a bunch of old zombie welders.

110. People who write the date like this: 15 Jun 2001. (Today’s date)

111. Referring to the fall season as “autumn.”

112. A girl with her hair in a ponytail that hangs from one side of her head.

113. Anybody who says “we” instead of “I” when referring only to themselves. For example: “We’ll see ya later.” Who is “we”? There is nobody but you!

114. This one is hard to explain in text. When people say the wrong thing in mid-sentence, and even though I heard them the first time, they feel the need to repeat the wrong word again before saying the right one. For example: If referring to the show Friends (on TV), someone might say, “Did you see that episode of Seinfeld...(pause)...hehe, Seinfeld...I mean did you see that episode of Friends last night?” Don’t bother to repeat the wrong word. I heard you!!!

115. When you make a sandwich and leave it sitting under a ceiling fan, or out in the wind for a few minutes before biting it. And then when you do, the side facing the air has begun to get hard and crunchy. Gross!!!

116. Girls who wear a scarf on their head. Especially if it is a red plaid pattern. This looks so grungy! It’s the most unattractive thing a girl can do to herself.

117. Alvin and the Chipmunks! Anything involving those high-pitched obnoxious idiots!

118. The childish term “grown-ups” when referring to adults. I hear this a lot on commercials. Who’s running the show here?

119. When a comedian stops during a show to say, “I just got married” or “I just had a baby” and everyone stops and claps over it. Just tell some jokes. I don’t want to hear about your problems.

120. When a country singer makes a country version of a popular song. It is totally ruined. The first one that comes to mind is that “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” song that Aerosmith did and somebody did a country rendition of it. Trash.

121. When stores have a sign in the window that says “Thank you, call again.” What? I didn’t call you. I am standing right here!

122. Natalie Merchant!

123. When people call you by your last name only. When did I join the military?

124. When you are using the bathroom at someones house and they have one of those toilets that you have to hold the handle down until the water goes all the way down. I am used to just pushing the handle and leaving the bathroom. But no, some peoples toilets work where you have to stand there and hold the handle until it all goes down. I hate this!

125. People in front of me who stop and back into a parking space. It looks for a second that they are parking somewhere else, but then they back up into the space. Just pull into the space! You aren’t saving any time, you’re only wasting the time of everyone behind you.

126. When a radio station has a fake crowd clapping and cheering in the background. I don’t mean the roar of a live audience, but I am simply referring to like a dozen people laughing and clapping. It’s so blatantly fake, I can’t stand it.

127. Emails consisting of the same old retarded jokes that just get reworded and then sent out again and again. Sometimes, weeks after receiving one of these, you’ll get another, but some things have been changed in it. They are all so fake. They say things like, “A student actually wrote this on a test.” Yeah right. The email joke is almost an entire new category of jokes and they are all the same and all stupid.

128. Over-the-top religious emails. For example, I received in email this exact quote, which had been also forwarded to dozens of people: “When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say ’Jesus, would you please get that for me?’” Groan! Delete!

129. Oldies radio stations. I am in my 20s and I am already sick of all these old, played out songs. How can people twice my age even stand it anymore? The radio stations play the same 35 songs on rotation. I find it hard to believe that from 1955 until the present, that these 35 songs are all they are capable of playing. Why do people still listen to them? Certainly the older generation that grew up with these songs must agree that the songs have completely lost their meaning and remembrance once they hear them every morning and night for 30 years straight.

130. Stupid ringtones on peoples cell phones! As if a ringing phone couldn’t be any more annoying already, now they have cheesy electronic tones set to music to make it all the worse.

131. Anyone who listens to music through their clock radio. Those things cannot even pick up a station much less play a sound any better than a walkie-talkie.

132. Girls with stupid-ass names like Promise or Sunshine.

133. People who call celebrities by shortened names, like Bill Shatner or Sam Jackson as if they know them personally, and they’re somehow buddies.

134. When someone talks to me when I first roll out of bed. Leave me alone and do not speak to me for at least 20 or 30 minutes! Go away!

135. Guys with names like Christian, Joseph, or Sebastian. What awful names.

136. When people define their babys age in months after it has passed one year of age. “Oh, he’s 20 months.” No lady, he is going on 2 years old. I think they are still clinging on to the idea that the baby is still new. Let it go. Besides, when he is 200 months he is going to tell you to go to hell anyway.

137. When parents put their kids in the back seat of the car and nobody is riding up front. This is different if they are so small that they ride in a car seat. But I’ve seen 12 and 13 year old kids (approx. 144 months old) in the back seat alone. Do they think they are riding in a taxi?

138. People that have double names, like Bobby Joe or Mary Lou. It sounds so country and backwoods. This ain’t 1950 anymore, parents.

139. Lampshades that have tassels hanging from them.

140. People who chew on their pens. I can’t stand to write with a pen that has teeth marks all over the mangled cap.

141. Songs that have sounds of groups of little children laughing and playing in the background.

142. When I sneeze and somebody says “Bless you.” What am I supposed to say, “Thanks?” I don’t need your help. I think I got it.

143. Any regular citizen who has a post office box mailing address. These people are up to no good. What are you hiding?!

144. Any school that calls its library the “media center.” That is the stupidest terminology. Get a life. My elementary school “media center” amounted to no more media than a paper cup with a string and a messenger pigeon.

145. The comic strip Marmaduke! What an unfunny, retarded waste of paper! It is simply never even slightly amusing. Cancel this garbage already!

146. Tambourines. What an outdated, low-budget excuse for an instrument.

147. The saying, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

148. When a radio DJ sings the last line of a song with the recorded version as it is fading out before he/she starts talking.

149. Sneezing without a shirt on, and blowing cold wetness all over my chest.

150. Small towns that end with “ville.” Like Smallville, Greenville, Farmville, Pleasantville, etc. They all sound like holes in the wall.

151. When a husband and wife call each other “mom” and “dad” in front of their young kids. This may be mostly on TV. A little boy asks if he can go to get some ice cream. The man looks as his wife and says “I dunno, mom, what do you think?” (Insert barf here).

152. Guys who drive around in their car without a shirt on!

153. When people use the term “in as many days.” In the news, someone always writes something like, “There have been five crashes in as many days.” I hate this! Just write the numbers and stop confusing me with your crazy talk.

154. Anything made out of wicker.

155. Diaper commercials on TV! Especially the ones that have babies dressed up like adults, with little glasses and mustaches. Babies, all stumbling around and looking ridiculous. Cats do a better acting job with food waved in their face. Cats can pull it off. But, regardless of what is going on in the commercial, it most always has a woman’s voice advertising the diapers, and the general tone of voice is obnoxious. I wish I could insert a sound clip of how ridiculous they all sound. They make me want to blow my brains out when one comes on.

156. The last name Sessoms. I admit this is a bit specific, this one.

157. Every time I open a soda can, at least one big droplet shoots from the top of the can when it is popped open, usually on my clothes. This didn’t used to happen. Since they made the mouths on the cans bigger, this has been the case. Watch out! Maybe I should have tapped on the top first.

158. The song “Carolina Girls.” Dreadful! Especially the line, “Sweet southern curls ” I want to climb through the radio and punch that guy singing!

159. When people have their own business, or a family-based business, and they name it their own name. I especially hate it when they use their full name with middle initial. For example: Scott A. Johnson has his own landscaping business and he’d names it “Scott A. Johnson Landscaping.” Why?!?! Why do you do this? Can’t you think of something catchier that people would remember? Nobody cares about your name, your background, or your pride for that matter.

160. AM radio. Who listens to this crap? They actually have the nerve to play music on some of the stations. I understand that you can have poor quality talk radio because voice doesn’t need to be that sharp to understand. But playing songs on AM radio? Why bother? It sounds like a paper cup and a string. It is the 21st century. Let’s put away the antiques. FM radio is soon to be antique too, for God sake!

161. Oldies songs that are way worn out like “My Girl” or “It’s a Beautiful Morning.” Boring! I’m young and even I’ve heard those songs a thousand too many times. Rake them in the trash. TV commercials using these kinds of played out oldies really run them further into the ground.

162. On TV, when people try to get back at an annoying caller by either screaming in the phone, or using some sort of loud whistle or squealer. You are not hurting anybody! The tiny speaker in the phone on the other end is only so loud, and even an atomic bomb going off at your house isn’t going to hurt their ears. It’s just a little tiny speaker in the phone!

163. When I see two cars stopped in the road and two idiot drivers are having a conversation out of their windows.

164. When “theater” is spelled “theatre” to make it look more elegant. It’s hard to feel elegant when you’re ass is sitting in butter and your feet stuck to the floor.

165. Equestrian sports where young rich girls dress all up in full horseback-riding gear and make it their hobby.

166. Horse racing, too. Give these poor animals a break.

167. Drinking a carbonated drink from a coffee mug. It just doesn’t feel right.

168. Anyone who has ever used the term “breaking bread” when referring to eating a meal.

169. Telephone automated customer service systems that ask you to key in your account number (or some ID number) so they can “access your account.” That part seems to work fine. But after the computer is done helping you, if you request to speak to a real person, the always come on and say “Hi. Can I have your account number please?” Now why the hell did I just punch it in?

170. When somebody tries to pull the door handle to open the car door right as I am trying to unlock it. And then I have to tell them to stop so I can relock it, then unlock it again. With all of the joys of modern technology, can’t they find a way to solve this dilemma?

171. Weather alerts that flash on the TV (or computer) that say that you are under a severe storm warning, and when you read how long the warning is in effect, you see that it’s for the next 15 minutes. Come on! Don’t bother. Why didn’t you tell me this morning?

172. Bad obituary pictures in the newspaper, especially for old people. I suppose some of these people were only in two pictures their whole life, because the one they chose for obituary is quite often extremely blurry, and usually cropped very badly. Cameras don’t cost that much, people. Pick up a disposable on the way to the ER.

173. Women with fat, flabby arms that insist on wearing a tank top or sleeveless shirt. This should be forbidden.

174. People who drive around with bumper stickers on their car from a past election that has come and gone. Take it off! In fact, don’t even put it on in the first place.

175. People who say to me or write in email, “Have a blessed day.”

176. Cars that have the rear wheels partially covered with the rim. Some Cadillacs are like this. It is awful. Expect a really old man to be driving it.

177. Miracle Whip. What the heck is it? Gross is what it is! Have you ever tried egg salad made with Miracle Whip? Do not try this at home!

178. Women that have a mans name, but with an “ette” or something barely feminine slapped on the end. Like Claudette, Geraldine, or Henrietta. How horrid.

179. When people pronounce the word “library” as “lie-berry.”

180. Men named James Smith. All ten million of you. Did your parents not care enough about you that they had to give you such a generic name? James Smith and John Doe are on the same playing field.

181. When a police-style whistle is used in a song. This happens more often in techno music, probably. Didn’t the Village People use this crap? Enough!

182. You’re at your job. You’re feeling very overwhelmed by a heavy workload. It won’t be long before some idiot says, “Well, job security.” Go to hell.

183. The stupidest song ever recorded: Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog. We need to have a public burning of all recordings ever made of this musical nightmare.

184. When you’re spitting after brushing your teeth, do you ever get that string of toothpaste that just dangles from your mouth and you can’t get it to drop, no matter how violently you spit? Don’t you sometimes just reach out and yank it off? I do.

185. People with red hair. I particularly hate people that have curly red hair and a ton of freckles. Eww! Red haired babies are unattractive, too. I was amazed to see a South Park episode where Cartman wants to rid the world of “gingers.” What a hoot. [Update 2010: In hindsight, this entry is somewhat regrettable.]

186. The name Juan.

187. The words “melancholy” and “nonchalant.” I suppose I could have made two entries and done each individually, but I feel like these words go together. Using either of them is such a desperate attempt to sound overly literate. These words are outdated and completely over dramatized. They're probably used in some old English books that they still teach in school that have no meaning in modern society.

188. When someone tries to point at something on my computer monitor and they actually touch it with their finger. They smear their dirty finger all over the place. You don’t have to touch it. I can see.

189. When someone uses the word “facetious” instead of simply saying they’re kidding.

190. When someone writes their name with their first name as an initial. Such as: “M. Scott Francis.” What the hell is your first name? Why are you hiding it?! How do people get away with such a cover-up on legal documents?

191. Writing “Mrs.” or saying “missus” when referring to a married woman. How old-fashioned. I just say “miss.” This “Mrs.” add-on has no place in modern society.

192. Any woman with more than two kids that are around me at any public place. (This one belongs near the top of the list.)

193. The clear function [C] on a calculator. I never know if it cleared my last entry or the whole total sequence I have been adding. Every time I clear my entry I feel like I have to repeatedly tap the [C] button to make sure that there are no numbers left in memory. I hate this! Just make a big reset button or something that I can hit with my fist.

194. Sugar wafers! Gross!

195. Gas powered leaf blowers. What an obnoxious noise. Since when did the whole world need to be blown free from every leaf and blade of grass? I drive around, and around every corner there is a group of guys with backpacks blowing the world free of dirt and sand. I’m fed up with the smell and the noise.

196. Landscapers who use large trailers and park on the road in front of peoples houses. They block a whole lane of a small neighborhood road! I am sick of dodging these when I cut through neighborhoods in town. Every day there is some idiot who has a whole entourage of people cutting, trimming, and of course, blowing! Why not pay some kid next door with a lawn mower $10 to come and mow your yard? This is how things used to be. Is everybody these days trying to compete for Better Homes and Gardens?

197. When anyone uses the phrase “the latter” in reference to the second option in whatever they are talking about.

198. When it’s raining (even raining hard), and people turn their flashers on and drive all slow and cautious down the highway. Just get off the road and never leave the house again, you pussies. The cars and tires of today can withstand a little rain. Get a life and get out of my way. I’m late!

199. Radio Shack. Honestly, how is this place still in business? Who wants to pay for a way overpriced small selection of crappy electronics? A lot of their stores are in malls, which is expensive. How can they afford these stupid TV ads? It is like a comic once said, “If Radio Shack is America’s technology store, we’re in trouble!”

200. Okay, I have one more complaint about obituaries. This time I want to point out how much I hate it when people put an obituary “remembrance” entry into the obituary section of the paper that remembers someone who “passed away” years before. Where they say “Joey, we still miss you” with usually a badly cropped photo and his date of death was like 4 years prior to today’s date. Why are you spending money on this!

201. Flu shots. I don’t see the need for this. I don’t know the stats, but it seems like just as many get sick either way. People over-exaggerate the flu season. I think their body is psychologically trained to start the sniffles when it gets cold. There is no need for flu shots and all that nonsense. And who wants to get a shot anyway?

202. The world cliche. Not the meaning, just the sound of the word. I despise it. It sounds so snot-nosed.

203. The two songs “Highway to the Danger Zone” and “Take My Breath Away” from the Top Gun soundtrack. Why do these still get played? You’ll hear crappy music like this on those bad “mix” radio stations. You know, the kind they play at the dentist office. Their airwaves are full of old Richard Marx and Bruce Hornsby songs that should have died with the 80s.

204. K-mart. I have not been inside a K-mart in ages. The clerks and customers seem to have walked right out of the trailer park. The stores are aging and the selection is poor. They are part of a dying breed. They need to give up already and let Target and Wal-Mart run the show.

205. Questions on the game show Jeopardy that are supposedly answers. The contestant is supposed to come up with the question. A neat ploy when it came out long ago, but come on. All they do is add “What is” or “Who is” before they give their answer. They simply word it like a question. For example: “Penny Lane was a hit by this popular group.” And a contestant rings in and says “Who are the Beatles?” Now imagine this reversed. If you asked someone who the Beatles were, they wouldn’t answer with “Penny Lane was a hit by this popular group.” See what I mean?

206. People who shout on their cell phones in the store. They can hear you! There is no need to yell so that everybody on the aisle can hear what you have to say, too!

207. Diamonds. What a scam this whole thing is. The whole public, bound by tradition and stupidity, spends countless money on these tiny gems that are only valuable because everybody wants them. Why do they want them? Because they are valuable. It is a vicious cycle. If everybody stopped wanting them, then they would eventually have little or no value. Then we can all spend our money on something that actually does something to improve our lives. Meanwhile, buy a nice fake rock. Nobody can tell anyway! Fake diamonds, with modern technology, can surpass the complexity and beauty of a traditional diamond stone. It is all a stupid scam. They make it so that the price of the rock is the sign of how much you love your fiance. And on the commercials they even want to tell you how much to spend! “How else can two months salary last forever?” That’s what they say. The only way for money to last forever is not to spend it at all.

208. The old saying around the holidays about Thanksgiving weight gain. At work, on the radio, and on TV they joke about the holiday pounds. Honestly, how much weight are you going to gain from eating one Thanksgiving meal? Come on. If you ever go to an all-you-can-eat buffet for dinner, then you are doing the same thing. You aren’t going to gain 20 pounds from overeating one meal. Lay off of this tired old anecdote.

209. Parents that drive their kids to the bus stop and wait with them in the car for the bus to come. Just drive them to school! You’re blocking the road! If you have time to drive two hundred feet away from the house and sit there with the engine running, then you can just as easily drive to the school.

210. Soccer. This is the most boring sport to me. And now it has become a national craze with stupid kids going to stupid soccer practice (to kick a ball around). Let’s not forget the stupid soccer moms with their stupid soccer ball decals plastered on their SUVs and minivans. Screw them all.

211. Speaking of tacky decals, I hate those dumb bumper stickers that say “I have a terrific kid” or “My kid is an honor roll student.” All I care is if the light up ahead is red or green. I don’t give a damn about you, your car, or your stupid kids. Get out of my way. I’ll assume that these cars would be the slowest to pull away from the light, anyway.

212. Local television newscasts where they have untalented reporters that have cheesy lead-ins to the other areas of the news. The weather guy says something about rain and turns to the sports guy and says “Speaking of rain, it’s going to be a rein of terror on the field tomorrow at the big game, right Bob?” “That’s right Dave...” We don’t need two anchors, either. One man or woman can read the teleprompter and deliver the news. There is no need to pass the conversation back and forth every ten seconds.

213. When I start my car and the stereo is blasting! Even though it is my own fault, why can’t they have a radio that resets the volume to low at power off? How hard could it be? I shouldn’t have to worry about that every time I get in the car. Sometimes I wonder, did I actually have it on so loud? Maybe somebody broke in.

214. Video games based on the game shows Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I am astonished that these are still manufactured. That junk got old 15 years ago. I bet in the year 3000 we’ll have some super high tech video game console, and they’ll still release a crappy Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy game for it. Who still supports this crap?

215. I hate how slow pharmacies are. I really hate it. You go to get a prescription and they tell you it will be 20 minutes (which will end up being an hour). It shouldn’t take even 2 minutes! They aren’t mixing potions back there! Even stuff like eye drops or shampoo that are prepackaged take that long. What is the deal? Dump some pills in the little bottle, print a label and you are done. They act like they are making it from scratch, they take so long. Just hand it over and stop the act!

216. Posters in offices (or anywhere) that show a picture of nature, like a waterfall, and it has one big inspirational word at the bottom like “Determination.” You know the kind. I don’t need to be inspired. Just hang a picture.

217. Television networks that now have flashy animated ads at the bottom when it first gets back from commercial break that tells you what is coming on next. I swear they are getting bigger, bolder, and more annoying. Clear the screen! I can’t see!

218. Juicy Fruit gum. Gross. That stuff leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and makes me so thirsty.

219. Getting the hiccups!

220. People with last names that have “Mc” at the beginning.

221. When newspapers put any sports related information on the front page. I don’t want to see it. Save it for the sports section! I don’t care how big they think the news is.

222. The extremely old-fashioned name Wolfgang.

223. Jiffy Lube. They have a near-monopoly on oil changes (at least for walk-ins). And they do a half-assed job a lot of the time. The extra junk they try to convince you to get done is absurd. I always drop my car off and get the heck outta there before they try to convince me to replace everything under the hood. Sometimes I wish they would go out of business.

224. Guys named Jeff that spell their name Geoff.

225. The song “Santa Baby.”

226. Nativity scenes in peoples front yards. Just string up some lights. We all know what Christmas is. I don’t need to see a cardboard recreation of a manger.

227. When you call someones house and some other person answers the phone, and asks “who is calling” before handing over the phone. Who do you think you are? I don’t have to explain myself to you.

228. Teenage wannabes who hook up an extremely loud noise-making muffler on their slow, crappy four-cylinder car, so all the girls he passes will hear all the racket and maybe think he doesn’t have a small dick. This is loud and obnoxious, and should be illegal.

229. When I sneeze and someone says, “I hope you aren’t getting sick.” Or, they ask if I’m getting a sick...after hearing one sneeze. Geez! Leave me alone. 999 times out of 1000, I am NOT sick!! I just had to sneeze!

230. Running out of toilet paper. I want to buy a tractor tire-sized roll of toilet paper that can be built into the wall that never, ever runs out. I have to wrap my hand like a mummy before I touch my dirty ass.

231. People who try to be fancy by misspelling words containing “or,” by using “our.” Examples include “colour” and “favourite.” I hate this! I see this on a lot of foreign web sites.

232. Magazine cutouts that fall all over the place when you flip through the pages. Why is there advertising in magazines, anyway? Aren’t I paying for it? If I have to pay to read something, then don’t get greedy and fill half the pages with advertisements!

233. Guys that are actually named Guy.

234. People who drive around with more than one college sticker on their rear window. Pick one! Which school do you currently attend? You can’t advertise for both!

235. People who stand still on an escalator. Move your legs and we can go even faster!

236. Left-handed people who make checkmarks that point to the left.

237. When a TV sitcom has a character that is pregnant, and in an attempt to boost ratings, the pregnant mother, to her complete surprise, magically deliver twins at the hospital. This has been done over and over again. Stop it.

238. Low-carb diets and Atkins-friendly menu items that are thrown in your face. Who orders this crap?

239. When I put too much lotion on my hands and can’t grip anything. One time I was nearly trapped in my apartment because I couldn’t turn the door knob. I solved that with a rubber jar opener thing...whatever you call those.

240. Songs that start off very quiet. When you hit PLAY you never know if the volume is adequate or not. Then you end up going too far and when the full volume of the song hits, you are deafened.

241. Getting a zit on the inner bridge of my nose. Ouch!

242. Songs with one implied word of profanity that the singer intentionally leaves silent. This happens a lot in country music. They start a rhyme and at the end, it is a simple word, like “ass,” but instead of simply saying it, they put a drum beat or some lame noise to imply the word. This is so cheesy.

243. Idiots who try to merge in my lane on the freeway right as they come off the exit, even though they have a mile of road left on their side.

244. People who have black cats and name them Midnight or Pepper. Half the population of black cats have to live with these tired, lame-ass names that they were probably given to them by a 5-year old. Enough already!

245. The abrasive name Genevieve.

246. The Grammys! They hand out these awards every year, even though year after year, popular music steadily gets worse. If you want to know what an important honor it is to win a Grammy award, always remember that Hootie and the Blowfish and Milli Vanilli are two Grammy award winning artists. Enough said. While I’m on the subject, the Latin Grammys are even more stupid!

247. Tattoos. I don’t hate them in a big way, but are these people with tattoos really going to want whatever that is when they are 80 years old? I doubt it. Fads come and go. And I wonder if tattoos will eventually go. If so, then what are you going to do?

248. Drive-thru workers who, as you are pulling up, immediately stick their hand out the window, waiting for money. Chill out! I am sitting on my wallet and I didn’t even know the price until two seconds ago. The food probably isn’t ready anyway. They give you no time to get yourself together.

249. I hate hearing about a “walk” for a cause, such as, “A Walk For the Cure.” The fact is, unless you are a trained scientist and are going to carry a microscope on your walk to study cancer cells in the road, you aren’t doing anything. Walking will not cure the worlds problems. Donate your money at home.

250. In relation to my last entry, no public street should EVER be used for any race, walk, or some awareness of any kind. A parade or funeral procession should be the only exceptions. I have places to go! Get your useless asses out of my way.

251. When a sequel is made to a movie and they replace the lead actor with somebody else who looks similar to them. This is usually because the first actor is suddenly too good to make the second movie.

252. Burger King! The employees, the food, the menu...it all blows.

253. Anybody who still wears a fanny pack in public...or anywhere for that matter.

254. Adults who wear a bicycle helmet! Get a life, will you? Even kids don’t need these. When did everybody get so safety cautious? I see entire families riding around with helmets on. Come on! This isn’t hard. Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “it’s like riding a bike?” Think about it.

255. Someone in a public place talking on one of those annoying walkie-talkie cell phones from Nextel. People enjoy shouting into them like a truck driver. Just call the person like normal and hold it up to your head and stop confirming your status as a redneck.

256. On TV (mainly reality shows), they show previews of what is coming up “after the break.” They end up showing everything that is remotely worthwhile that they have. You spend 30 seconds before a commercial seeing upcoming clips, then after the commercial, they recap slightly to catch you up again, only finally to see the same scenes you saw in the preview, only more drawn out. A one-hour show is probably actually 20 minutes.

257. Mountain Dew. It tastes like refrigerated battery acid.

258. I cannot stand places that have a close reserved parking space (or spaces) that are for “expectant mothers” and the like. Good Lord! Let everybody fend for themselves! Get rid of all special parking, except ones that are next to ramps for wheelchair access. I shouldn’t be inconvenienced because you’re knocked up.

259. Somehow I buy socks and I buy socks, and after a couple of months, there are less and less that come out of the dryer. Where do they all go?

260. Diet sodas! I can’t tell you how gross I think they are. Nearing the likes of a poisonous acid. Diet Coke is hands down the worst diet drink of them all. Can’t modern technology make a decent sugar substitute? Do you know how people say that anyone who smokes couldn’t deny that it is bad for their body? Well in the same token, there is no way anybody can drink a can of diet soda and possibly kid themselves into thinking that is wasn’t going to kill them. One sip, and I can feel the cancer cells trying to start a colony. [Update: See entry #391.]

261. When you are writing with a lead pencil and the piece of lead inside is at the very end. When you click for more, it looks like more than enough, but when you start to write, it flies back up inside.

262. People in front of me in line at the gas station who are buying a money order! Why does this take so long?! Usually there is a cap on the order amount, so they have to end up buying two or more, making it even worse! I wouldn’t normally even go inside if I can pay at the pump with a debit card.

263. Households that are accustomed to leaving soft drinks sitting out in the pantry or on the floor, instead of putting them in the refrigerator where they belong. Yuck! As soon as you pour some over ice, it goes completely flat. We aren’t on a picnic, ya know.

264. When someone next to me is pouring soda from a 2-liter and I clearly say to them that I want some too, but they feel like they have to screw the cap all the way back on before handing it over. Stop it!

265. Obscure clubs or organizations that have names like the “optimist” club or “rotary” club. What the hell is this? What do they do there, have positive thoughts? I want answers!

266. The term “jackknife.” I hear this every once in a while and it gets on my nerves. Don’t ask me why.

267. Car commercials on radio or TV. Radio ads are pathetic enough as it is, and car commercials make up the bulk of radio advertising, it seems. They are all so obnoxious and played out! It is always some screaming guy or an absurd echoing voice shouting stupid catch phrases (and filled with lasers, bombs, or whistle noises) that are worn to the ground. People have to be numb to this type of stupid in-your-face advertising. If I want a new car, I’ll drive around to the lot and check them out. I am not going to rush over there because of some screaming echo coming through the radio. And lay off the “$15,000 off” line. That is simply not true and never will be. Stop the insane advertising! Everybody already has a car and cell phone by now. Enough is enough!

268. Movies and TV shows from the 80s where all the women are wearing huge shoulder pads. Why did anyone ever think this looked good?! The only lady who could get away with this was Dorothy Zbornak.

269. When I hear a phone ring and ring and ring. What is going on at the other end? When I am calling someone and I don’t get at least a machine after 5 or 6 rings, I give up. But some idiots will cling to the phone and let it ring a hundred times. Can’t you tell nobody is going to answer! This is mostly stemming from the phones I hear at work.

270. Attention women: Let it finally be said that if you have stretch marks all over the top of your chest, then you have lost the right to wear a low-cut or revealing outfit. I am tired of seeing this atrocity. Go buy a turtle neck.

271. Movies where they have a scene with someone in drivers ed, or somebody with no driving experience, and when they move the car, it abruptly zooms and brakes. This happens repeatedly for some reason. Who actually has seen someone do this in real life?

272. Those majorly boring black-and-white cartoons from like the 1940s. It has little dialog and horrible sound. Very basic gestures are accompanied by a soundtrack that’s some super-ancient 1940s mono nightmare. Even if I had just seen a television for the first time in my life (at the time), I still think I’d say “turn if off!”

273. People that pronounce their S’s very sharp and loud. Every word that ends in an “s” in their sentence cuts through your ears. I bet you know somebody like that.

274. Movies made in the 80s that could be considered half decent, but are dogged by horrific electronic typical 80’s crappy music. Not mainstream 80s hits, but the movie soundtrack variety of the synthesizers and electronic drums as a backdrop.

275. The old group The Byrds who wrote horrible songs like, “Tambourine Man” and “Turn Turn Turn.”

276. People who write the wrong year after the new year begins. Think about it, people! I write this now in August of 2004 where I see some people still writing 2003! What is the matter with you friggin’ idiots! As of January 2nd you should be smacked for not knowing what is going on.

277. The old tradition of naming your sons after you and naming them Junior. This old fashioned nonsense needs to stop.

278. Women with facial hair. Mustaches are bad enough, but it is even worse when a woman has a small patch of whiskers, or one really big long whisker on their chin. Haven’t they ever looked in the mirror? You are disgusting! Can’t you see that!

279. Opera! Sorry, but it all sucks. I don’t want to hear some cow screaming loud enough to break my TV. Why does anyone listen to this junk?

280. Women that use hyphenated names. Such as Miranda Jones-Smith. Just pick one name and go with it. I don’t care how many ex-husbands you have.

281. When educators use the term “the three R’s.” They are referring to: Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic. Well, if you are going to include that last one as an “R,” then you are pretty much throwing out the first two.

282. Phantom limb pain.

283. Potato salad with mustard in it.

284. Cranberry sauce. Yuck! I always used to think that cranberry sauce and beets were the same thing. It doesn’t matter, because I hate them both.

285. The Fox News Channel, with all of their right-wing commentary and propaganda.

286. When the skin just at the back of your fingernails is a little frayed. Then you reach into your pocket and it snags and catches all the way down. Ouch!

287. Meaningless commercials with celebrity endorsements. Most of these are ridiculous and cheesy. For example, who cares if that idiot from Seinfield says the food is good at KFC. Everybody has eaten at KFC! Nobody is going to suddenly be in the mood for chicken just because he says so. Probably the worst example of this type of commercials is those millionaire football players advertising for 1-800-COLLECT. Give me a break! As if any of these guys have to call anybody collect. Celebrities do nothing to enhance a product and only waste tons of money on their appearance. Here’s an idea: Instead of Coke and Pepsi using a celebrity with a multi-million dollar contract to do commercials for them, why not put up a 10 second ad with text that announces a drop in the price of Coke. Make it priced like it used to be before we started getting ripped off by paying $1.09 for a 20 oz., or $1.49 for a 2-liter. We are all taking it in the rear from these people!

288. The outlandish notion that bird watching is a hobby. What is this, anyway? “Yeah I’m going to the park and watch a few birds ” What?! What kind of an excuse for something to do is that?! Please tell me that anyone who participates in such activities isn’t serious.

289. A woman wearing Capris! Girls, I don’t care how comfortable you say they are. In my eyes they are the near visual equivalent of a man in the 80s, wearing a midriff shirt and jean shorts. Please put on some real pants that reach your feet! Capris are so tacky, they’re barely a notch above pajamas.

290. The word Diva. It has become way too commonly used and should probably die off already.

291. When people who are not employed title themselves as a “homemaker.”

292. NASCAR. This has been on my list of things to put on this list for quite a long time, but have never quite sat down and wrote it all out. Here I finally go NASCAR is not a sport! Holding a foot on the gas and a hand on the wheel and riding in circles in the same direction not a sport! These races are very wasteful, polluting, and are very, very meaningless. The restrictions they have on these cars are such that each car is basically crafted to nearly the same specifications and speed. There is no true race involved. It is all dodging wind. Just driving in a damn circle over and over for hundreds of laps with caution flags, rules, and restrictions is in no way a huge effort. And who cares who wins because the same twenty rednecks race week after week. I repeat, it is the same drivers!!! That is like two sports teams making up the entire sport and playing against each other for every single game of the season. Also, in other sports, it used to be frowned upon that famous athletes would “sell out” and do product ads. Not in NASCAR. These fools are not only driving in a circle for hours, they are in every damn commercial that goes on during the race. Not to mention their cars and clothes are filled head to toe with patches and company logos. This is the tackiest, most absurd thing I can imagine. And still, people attend these events probably with a complimentary Budweiser and spit cup with the price of admission.

293. Car alarms. Everybody is numb to this nuisance. Car alarms go off all the time and are extremely annoying. When you hear one, your first thought isn’t, “Oh no, a car is being stolen in the parking lot.” It usually is, “Somebody’s friggin’ car alarm is going off again. Make it stop!”

294. The primitive text finding feature in almost every computer program that exists. When you go to search a page or document for a word, it has two different modes: Searching forward or backward from where you are in the text. You have to choose one, and then do it again as the other. This is absolutely absurd! Search the entire friggin’ thing! If I knew where it was, I wouldn’t ask the computer to find it!

295. Couscous. I can’t stand the pronunciation of this!

296. Pastel-colored M&Ms. They do not taste the same as the regular ones. I swear they don’t. Perhaps they have white chocolate in there. Eww.

297. People with baby strollers in the store. This has totally gotten out of hand. Everywhere I go, there is somebody pushing a stroller, or even worse, a double stroller with two obnoxious babies in them. At amusement parks this has also gotten way out of control. There is only so much room and it isn’t fair to people to allow a few to consume all of the room for the rest of us. People toting around such space-hogging things should be charged extra. Get out of the way!

298. Stupid kiddy rides at the store or the mall. You know the ones. They take quarters and very slowly rock back and forth or bob up and down with some cheesy ringtone-sounding music coming from a small speaker. I see this all the time at the mall, where I often have lunch. Little kids all look and point at them when they roll by in their oversized strollers. Then when they get on it, they just sit there dumbfounded, looking around the room while they are barely moving. Is this fun? They don’t even seem to enjoy it at all. Stop feeding this stupid-ass industry.

299. Hard-line conservatives who are at the extreme end of the religious right. Or, as I like to refer to it, the religious reich. I have such feelings on this subject, I have at times been tempted to write an entire paper on the subject. Maybe some day.

300. Fruit cake. How disgusting. Why do people even make this? I have never met or even heard of anyone who liked it.

301. The awful sound that accompanies the removal of anything from the slide-out drawer under the oven. Pots, pans, and lids all crashing into each other, for what seems like an eternity. It is maddening to listen to.

302. Guys who have a long pinky fingernail. What is that all about?

303. When people act overly cautious about things that they think will immediately get you sick. These things include cold winter air, or bare feet on a cold floor. Cold air and surfaces don’t get you sick, people. Bacteria and viruses do. Walking outside in the winter without a coat isn’t going to put you in the hospital. I think the world has too many fears of getting sick. You already know how I feel about flu shots!

304. On a related to note, people take way too much medicine. Usually, as soon as someone coughs or sneezes, they say “Oh, I must be getting sick.” What? People make themselves sick thinking that way all the time. Over the counter medicine is not fixing anything! It is just removing or dulling the senses of being sick. Personally, I don’t like to take a single thing. It is all in your mind. Your body will fix the problem. Comedian Bill Maher once said something very true indeed. He said that people cram pills down their throat and those pills keep everything bottled up inside. Your nose doesn’t run, you don’t cough, etc. Your body is supposed to do those things! Then one day out of the clear blue those same people wonder why they have cancer.

305. The song “Fever.” You know the one. “She gives me fevaaa.” I hate it. Why has this stupid song been covered so many times? It’s horrible!

306. Bad indoor radio reception! This isn’t the case in the car, but indoors, and especially on a walkman, radio reception is horrible. At work I have to move my walkman all over the place constantly to get the station clear enough to even understand. Somehow when I am touching it, or have my hand on it, it always comes in clear as a bell. As soon as I pull away, the signal is gone again. What is the deal! Sometimes I am tempted to buy a cadaver’s hand to set on top of my radio so I can actually hear the damn thing.

307. When someone counts “five, six, seven, eight” instead of “one, two, three, four” before a song. I think cheerleaders and the like are the ones who are the most guilty of this stupid and ridiculous nonsense.

308. When someone licks their finger to turn a page or to count money. It is even more ridiculous when they lick it before turning every page they are going through.

309. The high cost of hearing aids. First, I don’t wear a hearing aid, nor do I personally know anyone who does. But when I see newspaper ads for them and I see the supposed bargains they are offering, it is clear that the price of hearing aids is insanely inflated. A friend at work told me recently that today you can get digital hearing aids, which cost around $6,000. This is nuts. In my opinion, hearing aids shouldn’t cost any more than $39.99 each. I am quite serious.

310. When old people glare at you with that crotchety, “Get off my lawwwn!” mentality when you drive fast through their precious neighborhood.

311. Women with real hairy forearms. I bet they have a happy trail. Gross!

312. The word palpable. I can’t really explain it. It just is.

313. The disorganization of the deli counter at the grocery store. There is never any order to the chaos of buying sliced deli meat. No real line forms at the counter; it is just random people standing in random places. You never know if they are going to order something or not, or who is really next. Even worse is when you find an abandoned (but full) grocery cart parked at the counter. Is someone trying to save a spot? What is going on? Sometimes I just say “screw it” and go buy the prepackaged meat instead.

314. The college Kalamazoo. What a ridiculous, circus-sounding name!

315. The rising cost of cold bottled sodas. Why do these cost so much? A 20 oz. Coke costs $1.19 these days. What are we paying for? A 2-liter bottle sells for $.79 sometimes. This brings me to another point. Why do 2-liter Coke and Pepsi’s fluctuate in prices all the time? They are like yin and yang. One week, it is $.99, and the next week it is $1.39. What is the deal?!

316. Beeping crosswalks. Have you heard these yet? They now have obnoxious electronic beeping sounds at crosswalks that let people know when to go and stop when crossing the street. What is this for, blind people? Does the beep mean go or stop? And why would a blind person be in the middle of the street? This new breed of traffic sign is simply noise pollution.

317. Anyone who references the Garden of Eden and the supposed apple-biting that when on there. Some fools try to reference this to simplify the worlds ills. If you honestly believe that the world’s problems stem from that nonsense, then do us all a favor and go seek help.

318. Grown men named Kermit. There are more of them out there than you think. At work, I occasionally see this name on documents. Who named these people? I’ll put it to you bluntly: If your name is Kermit, then you are a loser.

319. The fact that throughout time, simple terminology swells and balloons into bloated descriptions of everything. George Carlin has spoken well on this subject, such as mentioning that one day toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Who decided this crap? What prompted me to add this phenomenon to the list was looking at my calendar a few days ago. Suddenly, this year in lieu of Secretary’s Day, we are having Administrative Professionals Day. Give me a break.

320. Cliched signs at people’s 40^th and 50^th birthday parties that say retarded rhymes like “Lordy, Lordy, (someone)’s 40!” and “Nifty Nifty (someone)’s 50!” This is so old, cheesy, and downright not-amusing. Let’s stop this stupidity now.

321. Ticketmaster. This is one monopoly that needs to be struck down. This organization rips people off, and makes the prospect of buying concert tickets more trouble and expensive than it is worth. Today, you are charged almost $9 per ticket for a Ticketmaster “convenience fee.” Then you have to add tax, and there is usually a $1 per ticket charge for something to do with the venue you are going to. In the end, you have to fork out outrageous sums of money just to go see a live show. Where is the convenience? I am doing all the work from my computer at your website! I should be charging you.

322. Vacation Bible School. What is this all about? Thank heaven, I have never been to such an event. What kind of an excuse for a vacation is this? I see signs at churches for such events once in a while. God help ’em. That sounds like hell on earth.

323. Cheese fries. Yuck! Fries are okay. Cheese is okay. But not together! Together they form a sickening, greasy, wet, soggy mess. I cringe at the notion of ordering cheese fries. The ultimate insult is chili-cheese fries. I can feel my butthole puckering at the mere thought of how much red hot diarrhea that meal would induce.

324. The way that Microsoft Word codes documents exported to HTML format. I use Word to make this hate list, and simply “save as web page” in the program when I am finished editing. It creates the most garbled up, junk-filled HTML code that I have ever seen! Luckily, it displays correctly in a browser, but it is near-impossible to edit.

325. The word “belated” when it comes to birthdays. “Happy belated birthday,” people write to you. I hate it. For a long time, I didn’t even know what that word meant. I hate the sound of it. Why not simply say, “Happy late birthday!”

326. Stupid children’s names like Conner and Tyler. What little brats.

327. Cereal boxes that say, “Part of this complete breakfast,” and show a picture of a bowl of cereal, with two pieces of toast next to it, and a full glass of milk, and full glass of orange juice. Are they kidding me? Who actually drinks milk in addition to their cereal? And who the hell wants to drink milk and orange juice in the same sitting?

328. People who have their kids on leashes in public.

329. Sandra Bernhardt. Repulsive!

330. “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Is this the stupidest shit you have ever seen, or what? Why is this still on the air? Give it a rest already!

331. When they play movies on cable or network TV and frame it in a stupid “Dinner and a Movie” setting. This is so annoying. First off, I don’t ever watch movies on TV anyway, since they cut most of it out, trim it for time, and stop constantly for commercials. But it is even worse when, before and after each break, they have a couple of nobodies on the screen trying to demonstrate how to make a meal while telling lame jokes to each other. Who actually is paying attention to this crap?!

332. Bluegrass music. If this is the best noise that these country bumpkins can deliver, then please find something else to do.

333. The fact the fast food joints stop selling the breakfast menu at 10:30 AM. Gimme a break. Every fast food place should sell breakfast all day long with no exception! I think this is the big success of Bojangles. There you can count on getting and egg and cheese biscuit at five in the afternoon. Sometimes that is just what you are craving.

334. Chewbacca! I am not a big Star Wars fan, and I am so sick and tired of seeing and hearing this stupid beast moan with his trademark wail. I wish somebody would cram a stick of dynamite up this creature’s ass.

335. Kelly Ripa.

336. People who call themselves “surfers” but are actually only playing in the water. This is true for anyone who isn’t surfing in a place with tsunami-like waves, such as the kind in Hawaii that you see on TV. People in North Carolina go surfing, supposedly. But they aren’t! Unless a swarming hurricane is directly offshore, then you are only playing in the water! There aren’t waves big enough to ride. You are kidding yourselves.

337. Cheesy-ass patriotic country music, such as the kind from the likes of such fools as Toby Keith and Alan Jackson. Give it a rest, douchebags. I hope the rest of the world can’t hear this garbage. I’m embarrassed.

338. Modern drive-thrus at fast food joints that automatically ask you what you want in a pre-recorded voice that is nothing at all like the person standing on the other side. They have this at Burger King (which coincidentally, you know I already hate). When I roll up to the sign, a sweet, pristine woman’s voice comes over the speaker, politely telling you, “Good morning. Welcome to Burger King. What would you like this morning?” And once you say what you want, you are repeated your order back to you, but this time, in mysterious tongues by the actual drive-thru attendant, who turns out to be some Zimbabwean refugee.

339. Extremely cheesy music embedded in web pages that are small MIDI files. This is just a simple tone with different pitches of it playing in a melody. How lame.

340. Reaching into my pocket when I have a rubber band around my wrist. Oww!

341. The obnoxious sound of an alarm clock in a TV or radio commercial. There should be a law banning this on the airwaves. I want to throw the TV out the window every time a commercial comes on with this crap.

342. Sunny Delight! I hate to tell you all, but it isn’t the least bit delightful.

343. People who smoke in a restaurant! I live in North Carolina, so we are slow to adopt to decent codes against such habits. I think that if the room is smoky, the sanitation grade should immediately drop a whole letter grade. The smoking section is in the same room as the non-smoking section. It is right across the aisle!

344. People who are allergic to everything. I bet you know, or have known somebody like this. If natural selection were allowed to run its course, all of these people would be dead.

345. The fact that every time someone speaks of something tragic or unspeakable, they insert a comforting “Heaven forbid!” in there to make everyone feel a little better inside. Groan! If I say something like “I hope I don’t crash in that helicopter tomorrow,” everyone would freak because they are so scared it may happen. Come on. Now, if I shouted “I hope a million dollars isn’t in my mailbox today when I get home!,” do you honestly think I’d suddenly be a millionaire just because I said that? Get real.

346. People named Richard who actually prefer to be called “Dick.” Do you realize that “Dick” in no way resembles “Richard” at all? Are you retarded? Go away, dickhead.

347. Roadside memorials that people put up after somebody flies off the road and kills themselves. This is a public highway, not a cemetery! Get a life! I see a few of these in town. Silly, it is. Do you think your lost loved one wants to be remembered at the very spot which they probably would hate the most? No! And some of these are in the damnedest places. I often think to myself, if somebody flew off this 35 MPH road and into that tree over there, then they’re a friggin’ idiot.

348. The song “Amazing Grace.” I roll my eyes whenever I hear that song begin. This bore of a tune was worn slam out 200 years ago. Bury it.

349. The fact that auto insurance premiums are partially based on your marital status. They say that single men have the highest risk factor for insurance companies. This is ridiculous and discriminatory. If you ask me, the married man is the most dangerous because he’s more likely to be driving around aimlessly late at night trying to avoid the house and his wife.

350. Trying to spell the word “odyssey.” (Thank you, computer.)

351. Home schooling. How is this even legal? It sounds like a sad, lonely life for little Junior. Parents have a hard time even helping school kids with basic algebra homework, because they are usually so far removed from such math in their real lives. How in the world is a parent going to cover all of the things you learn in school over all the years? I have my serious doubts of there being any compelling reasons for this idea.

352. The stupid-ass name Thad. The full name Thaddeus is simply over-the-top ridiculously awful.

353. The piercingly obnoxious sound of Katydids on a very hot summer day. I had to look this one up online to see what it actually is. It is like a crickety ringing sound coming from the trees in the heat of the summer. I cannot stand it! They seem to be in abundance where I live. Hearing this noise gives me an image in my head of a very hot steamy road in the desert where you can see waves of heat rising from the pavement.

354. Use of the word “sans.” Sometimes I’ll read an article and someone will have used the word. I always have to read the sentence twice to see where they are going with it. There is not one compelling reason to ever use this word.

355. The term “attorneys general” when referring to more than one state attorney general at a time.

356. The obnoxious sound I constantly hear at fast food restaurants that tells them the fryer or something is done. The employees always leave it beeping for like 20 seconds, as if it doesn’t bother them at all. It’s awful! Make it stop!

357. Why is it every time I go inside a gas station, the person who should be behind the counter is always outside? There I am waiting, and they are outside finishing up smoking, or picking up trash. Get behind the counter and stay there!

358. Movies that have a cartoon figure drawn in that appears onscreen with the live action actors. This is so cheesy. Who ever thought this would be a good idea? Although I hate this one across the board, I am mainly talking about singing cartoon birds drawn into a movie scene. The movie 9-to-5 had a scene such as this, but I’ll forgive it.

359. When kids or their parents ask me to buy something out of a catalog for a school fundraiser. Just leave me alone and stop passing these around at work. If I want to spend $8 for a small box of chocolate peanuts, I’ll go to a movie theater.

360. The worn out, repetitive Queen song “We Will Rock You.” Don’t get me wrong, Queen was a great band, but this song is not one of my favorites.

361. I rarely mention the point in time when I come up with the things on my hate list. But just recently, at the start of the 2005 holiday season, I have seen a sudden flurry of ads for a slew of celebrity-named colognes and perfumes. What is the deal? Let’s stop this shit before it gets started. I hate it already.

362. 1-800 numbers that are too long to actually be a real number. It has to be 1+800 and then seven digits after that. It is great if your slogan fits in that amount of space, but if it doesn’t, then let it go. How can someone dial, or have to remember 1-800-INEEDAROOMFORTHENIGHT, or something absurd like that.

363. Charlize Theron! She looks like a worn out baby doll that needs to be put in the attic.

364. The pathetic, microscopic little triangles that Subway tries to pass off as actual cheese.

365. I swear, every single time I have ever had to free up an outlet and unplug something, when one of those plugs is an alarm clock, I always, always, always guess the wrong one and unplug the friggin’ clock! Somehow it happens every time! [Update Sept. 2006: I seem to have a lot of issues with an alarm clock. After just reviewing my whole list, I see that I have mentioned it several times.]

366. The stupid gimmicks that McDonalds plays with the McRib sandwich. Give it a rest. It makes a comeback, then goes away again. It is a cycle that is just for show. Now they even advertise a new website (mcrib.com) where you can go and sign a petition to save the McRib! What? They are the ones doing away with it. It is a stupid, tired advertising scheme. I say go ahead and get rid of it permanently. After all, it is just some canned dog food with some fake barbecue sauce on it. Nobody is going to miss it, except my dog.

367. The Latin language. I always get irked when someone tells me they are taking it in school. What is the point of anyone studying this dead language? Who cares? It is good for nothing. Let it die. We don’t need it.

368. Spelling bees. This is so gay. I read in the newspaper recently how spelling bees are growing in popularity outside of schools, and some bars now even hold spelling bee contests! This is almost the stupidest thing I have ever heard. What kind of fun is that? Anybody who takes part in this, or enjoys it, is a fool.

369. People who have four names. Aren’t names supposed to be first, middle, and last? I see this problem at lot at work, where our computer system was designed for only three names per individual. Why doesn’t everyone stop this practice? I have noticed that a lot of Hispanics have four names. I don’t know why, since they use the same couple of names over and over again. There isn’t much variety there, so why waste four of them on a single person?

370. When I hear pledge drives on the TV or radio where they want viewers to call in and donate money for some cause or another. I don’t have a problem with the pledge drive itself. What I hate is the fake sounding ringing of telephones in the background. It is always the sound of one of those old-fashioned bell-ringing phones that are from the old days. Do they really use an army of these old phones to answer thousands of calls? I doubt it. On the radio, it sounds nearly repetitive. I bet anything it is a fake phone soundtrack to make you believe that others actually care and are calling in. I am not fooled. Why can I hear phones ring crystal clear, but I can’t hear anyone talking on them?

371. Girls who have lots of peach fuzz on their cheeks. You know the kind.

372. The useless and annoying scroll-lock key on a computer keyboard! I often find that I have accidentally hit the key. What the hell was this key ever used for? It may have been helpful back in the early days of computers, but it has no use in modern society. Take it away.

373. Jazz music! Boring! Who can listen to this crap? I despise it. It has no flow, no common sense whatsoever. It’s just a bunch of notes and noises shooting around and getting on my nerves.

374. The use of the word “whom.” To me, this word is an outdated word that does not belong in the modern English language. It is as old-fashioned as words like “thee” and “thou.” It may be a technically correct use of the written language, but when someone has the nerve to use it in a spoken sentence, they are just being an asshole.

375. Store-bought cupcakes! Why do people buy these things? The gesture is nice, but I am not putting that garbage in my mouth. They always taste like crap! Have you noticed? It kills me. How hard is it to make cupcakes? Making them from a powered mix is as easy as it gets, and most always tastes delicious. So how do they screw up cupcakes at the store? Any that you buy from the bakery at the grocery store are always tasteless crap. Don’t buy them and you’d better not show up with any, either!

376. Unnecessary Easter egg hunts for very small children where the eggs are just set directly on the grass and are clearly visible all over the place. That is not a hunt! If the toddlers are too small and stupid to be able to go and actually find some, then they are too young to be at an Easter egg hunt. What a waste of time and energy.

377. Magazine ads for sex enhancement videos that usually show a man and a woman embracing. Every single time the man’s hand is clearly made visible with a wedding ring on his finger. Is this required? They make it so blatantly obvious, as if the company is covering their butts. Thank God they made me believe he is married. Otherwise, I might not be able to sleep tonight thinking about the morality of it all.

378. Links on a web page that allow you to bookmark the site (or add it to your favorites). This is simply a waste of time. I can do that from where I am sitting as easy has hitting CTRL-D. I hate the links that offer to do it for you. There’s no telling what they are up to. Screw that.

379. The nationally syndicated morning radio show called The Bob & Tom Show. It consists of about three or four guys who, every morning, hang out on the radio and talk about nonsense and laugh hysterically at every word uttered. It the most robotic and forced laughter most of the time. It is almost as if their bosses told them to make sure they laugh at every jab and to put your mouth right up to the microphone every time it happens, so the audience knows that it was supposed to be funny, whatever it was. This is the kind of morning radio show where they stop in the middle of talking about something to answer a loud ringing phone, and they pick it up and it is some impersonator calling to make fun of a celebrity or something in the news. I bet you know the kind. I hate it. Also, I am not kidding that every single morning they have a comedian on. It gets on my nerves. And these comedians are so bland and dry about everything they joke about. It is so predictable and unfunny. Sure, I bet their mom’s think they are funny but I do not. The whole show drives me nuts, from the boring comedians every day, to the constant rumble of forced and deliberate cackling that goes on with every word uttered.

380. Ringtones and songs on people’s cell phones! I am so tired of this. How in the world is there a market to sell people this garbage? Now people have full-blown songs as their ring sound when somebody calls. And it always sounds awful, as if they are holding a walkie-talkie in their hand while somebody on the other end is holding theirs up to an old record player with a horn coming off of it. What is the point of spending money to download these retarded ring tones? When the phone rings, you answer it. You don’t sit there and say, “Boy this is my jam! Let it play!” Why in the hell do people buy into this stupid shit?

381. The use of Greek alphabet characters as a name for anything. Mainly, I am talking about college life. With clubs, organizations, and fraternities calling themselves “Phi Kappa Gamma,” or something stupid like that. It sounds so pompous and arrogant. It is always the same two or three words used in succession, but tossed around in different order and it all sounds dumb. I hate it all.

382. Wet ice. Do you know what I am talking about? I am talking about the ice that comes out of a vending machine where it probably drips water along with it. The barely frozen material comes in large squares of very moist, shiny, wet ice. This stuff turns to water in your drink in mere minutes.

383. The completely crazy ultra-conservative crackpot Ann Coulter. I’d like to beat the shit out of her.

384. Small nail clippers. Personally, I like to use the huge toenail clippers for everything. It takes less work. Clipping nails with the small ones is dangerous. Too many times I have been burned by them when the arm suddenly twists my hand while I am pressing on it. It twists and yanks your nail sideways. Oww! Why do they even sell those little things? What are they for? Children?

385. Mimes. What kind of asinine, retarded profession is this?! Who is paying them? These people serve no purpose whatsoever.

386. Ads on the Internet for online dating sites that show scantily dressed hotties in sexy poses. Come on! Do you honestly expect me to believe that there are women who look like that who use your service? None of the girls I have seen in these ads would ever need a computer dating service to get laid. Gimme a break. Who are you kidding? Post the photos of all the flabby trailer park chicks sporting stretch marks and varicose veins and then you’ll have some truth in advertising.

387. Overhandling the newspaper and later finding black ink all over your fingers.

388. The Tour de France. Attention, bike riding pansies! Get off of your toy, remove your little helmet, and go find a real job. Why do you wear a helmet, anyway? Don’t you have enough experience at riding a bike to know how to stay on the damn thing? Face it, riding a bicycle is no more of a sport than mowing my lawn.

389. People who create a MySpace profile that is crammed full of music, videos, animations, and flashing text. How annoying! If they only knew how obnoxious that is! Absolutely no songs or videos should start on any website on their own, period!

390. Cream soda and/or root beer. I don’t know if they are the same thing, but they both taste the same to me...like shit.

391. In an unprecedented move, I am going to repeal entry #260, where I went off on diet soft drinks, namely Diet Coke. I have to take that back. While I still think that Diet 7-UP, Sprite, and Mountain Dew are all stupid and gross, I now find Diet Coke to be delightful. It has been a while since I wrote that entry, and after fiddling with some Tab, I tried a few Diet Cokes. People are right, it grows on you. You get used to it. At first you need ice, to water it down some, then later you can go full on by drinking it straight from a can. Then pros can drink it room temperature. It ain’t bad, folks. Dare I say, I like it? Real Coke now tastes ridiculously sweet. I have become one of those people I hated. Go figure!

392. The silly pajama shirts that nurses and dental hygienists wear nowadays. These people have a serious profession, and yet they walk around in pajamas all day. I suppose this happened over time because kids were scared of the “people in the white coats.” But it’s less professional when they are wearing some colorful Hawaiian pajama shirt while they are cleaning my teeth. Sometimes on my way home from work I’ll stop at the gas station and you see these people and think, “Didn’t you leave the house today?”

393. The name of the country Ghana. I have nothing against the place itself, but the name sounds so awful to me when I hear it.

394. Larry the Cable Guy. You probably know who this fat redneck is.

395. People who name their son Maximilian. I’d rather be stranded with a hundred Brads than a single Maximilian. What a pretentious little prick. I hate him already.

396. People who wear their watch on the inside of their wrist, and have to twist their arm to see the time.

397. Decorative towels. What is the real point in this? Does it make you feel good to have them around, despite the fact that you aren’t supposed to use them and they are covered in dust? Why even tease me by putting them in the bathroom?

398. The terrible song by Phil Collins that has an extreme echo and goes, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight.” I want to break my radio every time that awful, worn out, shitty excuse for a song is played.

399. Old country people who have Confederate flag decals on their car or truck. Get over it already. The Civil War was over a hundred and fifty years ago. It was an embarrassment.

400. The word Tabernacle.

401. The lengthy and annoying legal taglines at the bottom of peoples emails who send messages from their work. Some companies put these ridiculously long and overly-worded disclaimers that get sent along with each outgoing email. I am sure you have seen this before. It’s as if whoever wrote it wanted it to be as overdone as possible. I hate it.

402. Any time someone reaches over and tries to honk my car horn from the passenger seat. What are you thinking? I am the one driving! To be honest, this hasn’t happened to me in a long time, but I just thought of it.

403. Nonsense food that is a bunch of junk thrown together and re-labeled as “(Something) Medley.” 12.01.06

404. When names are written Last Name, First. I see this on papers at work from time to time. It is so obnoxious. 12.02.06

405. When I have a bathroom emergency at work. I run to bathroom and begin coating the toilet seat with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I am about to rupture. I swing around after it is fully padded, only to have one side of my creation fall into the commode before I sit down on the seat! 12.02.06

406. Anytime someone makes reference to the Mason-Dixon line, either in a song or in conversation. Old, backwoods country folk probably talk this up all the time. It has made its way into several country songs, that’s for sure. Let’s put this in a file called “Never talked about again,” right behind the Civil War re-enactments. 12.08.06

407. Jock athletic-types named Troy. 12.15.06

408. The king of worn-out, depressing Christmas songs. Of course, I am talking about Bing Crosby’s White Christmas. Bury this ancient relic, already! He sounds like a bullfrog moaning into a paper cup with a string. 12.15.06

409. When I open or close the tray of my CD or DVD drive on my computer. In Windows, there is always a pause while the computer decides if you put something in or not. If you did put a disc in, then it will scan it for its contents. What is the hurry? It is a minor inconvenience, but it really annoys me. Sometimes when I am finished burning a CD, I’ll leave the tray open while I finish up what I am doing, so I don’t have to put up with that ridiculous brief system freeze. This reminds me of the old Windows 3.1 days when the whole computer would stop if you hit Print. This may not affect everyone, I don’t know. 12.16.06

410. Jay-Z. This guy deserves the ugliest person on the planet award. Those huge, swollen lips of his make his face look like a baboon’s ass. 12.21.06

411. Those really cheap Bic pens that come in a 10-pack for a dollar. They are so terrible, they don’t write worth a damn. It isn’t just because they are inexpensive. The Write Bros. PaperMate pens, that are the same price, write just fine. It is only the Bic brand pens that suck. Writing at a regular pace with the black pens actually produces gray, and you’ll be lucky if you don’t tear a hole in your paper from its rough, dry tip. 12.23.06

412. Those stupid animated electronic singing Christmas trees that are motion activated. You know the kind. Those dumb battery-operated things that bounce around and blink their eyes to some ridiculous song playing. This hatred applies to anything of the kind, including life-size Santas and singing bass fish. I truly hate them all! 12.27.06

413. People who call the UPS mail service “ups.” 12.27.06

414. Potato bread. 12.27.06

415. Driving behind a PT Cruiser. Those little pieces of junk have the engine equivalent of a lawn mower. Every one of these cars that I have ever been behind is slow as hell and the drivers always love to leave five to ten car lengths between them and the person ahead of them. 12.27.06

416. People who hang out at the gas station and chat with their friends who are working behind the counter. Get the hell out of there and go home. This happens half the time that I go inside any gas station! If it isn’t someone’s buddy just standing at the counter joking around, it is some chatty regular customer who doesn’t have the common sense to shut up and leave after they are done with their business. 12.27.06

417. Bill and Sherry in the morning on Mix 101.5 WRAL FM in Raleigh, NC. These are the lamest, cheesiest, most stupid radio DJs in the business. WRAL is one of those terrible dentist office radio stations that play terrible songs from the 70s and 80s. The morning show is the lamest part of their radio broadcast. Every topic they discuss and joke about is so bland and intentionally non-offensive to all listeners. Yet, they act like they are the funniest comedians in the world, but they say the dumbest things known to man. The icing on the cake is the traffic announcer, Vanna Fox, who cuts in randomly to offer her obnoxious laugh to every stupid thing said every day. Her laugh alone is enough to make me drive off a cliff on my way to work. Anyone who is a regular listener to their program needs to get a life. 12.28.06

418. I can’t stand it that every time I am waiting at a stoplight, the other side of the road gets to go before my side does. After the cross-traffic passes, then the turn lights get the green. It seems like the other side always starts moving well before my light turns green. The green turn light in their direction stays green forever, making my side wait to move forward. Sometimes it makes me want to explode. I am not kidding when I say that I can’t recall a single time since I got my driver’s license in 1992 that I have ever been on the side that got to go first! 12.30.06

419. People who drive a Ford Thunderbird. I swear that every person I see driving these cars is a serious redneck. The windows are usually down because the A/C is broken, the driver is typically pregnant, always smoking a cigarette, and sporting a bad eighties haircut and/or mullet. 01.01.07

420. The sound of someone washing dishes in the sink, or loading and unloading a dishwasher. There always exists an obnoxious crashing of plates and mugs against each other and it grates on my nerves. I can never shake the feeling that the person doing it is really mad at having the chore, and is purposely being rough and knocking the dishes together. If not, why does it always have to be so loud? 01.07.07

421. The term “pilgrims” or “pilgrimage.” In the 21^st century, there should be no more pilgrims. When I hear these words on the news, I want to cringe! 01.14.07

422. Licorice. 01.20.07

423. When during a concert, the singer holds the microphone out to the audience to sing parts of a song. This is annoying, and ruins many classics played live. I didn’t pay money to come here and sing. I paid you for that. 03.08.07

424. Old women with a mile of hair all wrapped in a bun at the back of their head, which never comes down. The hair growing on the head is white and the old stuff balled up back there grew in years ago and still has a brown hue. Cut that crap already. You’re old! 03.08.07

425. Absurdly untrue ads on the Internet that flash on your screen in crazy colors. This is especially bad on sites like MySpace. Most of them say things like “You’ve just won a free plasma TV! Click here.” Get real. 03.10.07

426. The unnecessary chime I hear every time I start my car. When I start mine, it dings four times in a row. What is the point of this irritating noise? I know the car is running! I just turned the key! 03.10.07

427. The ridiculous height of the reflectors that are pasted on the highway between every white line. Every time I change lanes, I feel like I am going to pop a tire. Why do these need to be so huge? And why do we need so many? 04.25.07

428. Every spring, I hear or read about the prediction that gas will spike to $4 or $5 a gallon. I am sick of hearing this. I have heard it every year since I don’t know when. It isn’t going to come true, folks. Get real. And if it is, it will be due to inflation over time. I may one day eat these words, but I am so tired of hearing this. I hear it year after year and it has never happened. 04.25.07

429. Blue food. Food or drinks that are colored blue are, in my opinion, very unnatural. Blueberries are the only real natural existence of blue I can think of in food. But why do they make blue raspberry suckers and whatnot? They stain your mouth and teeth and are all somewhat disgusting. Why do they even make it that way? What is the reasoning behind any of this? I’m turned off. 05.09.07

430. Every time I go to print something, my printer always runs out of paper halfway through. 05.10.07

431. When they censor someone giving the middle finger on TV. This is even true with the shows on basic cable channels. If they are showing the scene where someone does it, then why bother censoring it? All they do is blur the middle finger, anyway. It is completely obvious what they are doing. This day and age, you wouldn’t think this would be such a big deal. 05.12.07

432. The correct spelling of the word canceled. I personally think it looks ridiculous to have only one ’L’ in the word. In my computer’s spell check, I always add the word cancelled to the dictionary, because right or wrong, that is how I’m going to do it. 05.13.07

433. Riding in an elevator with a single other person in it. I can’t stand to get to work and push the button for the elevator, and then wait and wait for it forever, only to have some schmuck walk up behind me right as the door opens. They get a free ride without waiting while I have so endure uncomfortable small talk with them in a tiny enclosed space. Go away! I’ll take the stairs next time. 05.20.07

434. The stupid and downright utterly obnoxious sounding name Lee Iacocca. 05.28.07

435. “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” the most repetitive song ever! The entire song is basically that same sentence repeated over and over for three minutes. What useless garbage. I absolutely hate it. 07.10.07

436. When I get to the very end of my long password and in my haste, end up hitting two keys at once. This happens to me almost every day. 08.01.07

437. The couple that you probably heard about in the news who currently have 17 kids, and growing. I can only hope that there is only one family on the planet doing this. I absolutely despise these people! It looks as though they don’t believe in birth control, and dress their kids like they are on the set of Little House on the Prairie. The planet is bursting with overpopulation, and these buffoons are helping to push us to the brink. I think it’s wrong what they are doing. Get some birth control and stop reproducing already! Perhaps someday a meteor will fall from the sky on their house. 08.18.07

438. Christian rock music. 09.17.07

439. Peeing at a urinal and looking down to see one extremely long curly pube glued to the rim that looks like it fell out of a Neanderthal’s bush. Seriously, some of the ones I have seen are longer than the hair on my head! 09.17.07

440. People who call a soft drink a “pop.” 09.19.07

441. When someone cutting my hair bends my ear down against my head to cut around it. I know this is necessary to avoid clipping my ear, but it drives me nuts. After my hair is cut, it looks to me like my ears are sticking out more anyway, since there is less hair covering them. I feel like half of it is the hair cutter’s fault for bending my ears down so much. Leave my ears alone! 09.27.07

442. I saw something unusual while driving today. I pulled up behind a car that had lettered on their back window a memorial for someone in their family that had died. It said, “In Loving Memory (of whoever)” and it listed their birth and death dates. What is that all about? Is this supposed to get some emotional reaction from me? This had better not be the start of a new trend, or I’m going to lose it. Memorials and the like are for the living, not for the dead. And if the driver wanted to remember so badly, why is it plastered on the rear window with the writing pointed in my direction? Look lady, I don’t know who that person is. I certainly didn’t kill them. So what makes you think I give a damn? 09.27.07

443. The word “vagabond.” 09.29.07

444. J. Alexander. He is the ultra-flamboyant and obnoxious judge on America’s Next Top Model. I don’t watch the show myself, but I have seen many clips of this guy. He grates my nerves so bad with his ridiculous costumes and antics. I’d like to slap the shit of out him. 10.6.07

445. Walking barefoot through the house in the dark and stepping on the plug of a power cord that is laying across the floor. This has happened to me several times. 10.16.07

446. Candy corn! I suppose it is appropriate that this candy is popular at Halloween, because the prospect of eating it is pretty damn scary. 11.04.07

447. The absurd notion of a merman. 11.26.07

448. Couples who share an email address. I can’t stand sending mail to someone if I don’t know who is reading it. Come on, folks. Email accounts are free and can be created anywhere. Are the handcuffs so tight that you can’t even communicate with the rest of the world on your own? Get with the program. 12.08.07

449. I hate Wal-Mart! It’s funny looking back where I had said I hated K-mart. While that is still true, Wal-Mart has pretty much taken the place of K-mart as the store of choice for white trash America. Four out of five people who shop there look so grossly unhealthy that they look like they just walked out of a concentration camp. I am very serious. Some customers typically look outright puke-inducing. Wal-Mart is always slam-packed. Parking and shopping are a logistical nightmare. They install nearly 50 checkout lanes in the supercenters, but I never see more than about 8 in use at any given time, if that. Waiting in line always takes a whole 10-15 minutes before you can even place your items on the counter. There are always people ahead of you buying $300 worth of milk, Sam’s Choice soda, and other stupid nonsense. And the worst of all; Wal-Mart and their owners think bad language in music is sinful, and only sell watered-down versions of popular CDs. That should be illegal. Absolutely never, ever buy CDs or movies at Wal-Mart! Ever! I’d much rather shop at Target. The cleanliness and style of Target is simply no comparison to the likes of evil Wal-Mart, its disgruntled employees, or its customers. 12.12.07

450. The pathetic amount of hot chocolate that is yielded from a single instant hot cocoa packet. Every one I have ever seen instructs you to add 6 oz. of hot water to the powder. Come again? Six ounces of liquid isn’t enough to keep a bird alive. For my enjoyment, try doubling that! And while you’re at it, put some marshmallows in the packet that are big enough to not be instantly vaporized on contact. 12.12.07

451. People who go to bed before midnight on New Year’s Eve. 01.01.08

452. People who drive around with those stupid ass-kissing bumper stickers that imply they are a “friend of the police.” I know you’ve seen them. They are black with a solid blue strip across the middle. Every third car you see on the road now has one. That isn’t going to get you out of a ticket, you idiots. 01.29.08

453. I hate when my eye drops run out! At that moment, my contacts are really dry. I squeeze my eye drops, only to feel a dry puff of air blowing into my eye! 02.02.08

454. I absolutely can’t stand that TV commercial for the Swiffer WetJet mop where the woman, who is a terrible actress to begin with, debates on stage with what turns out to be a dripping mop. Who gets paid for this pathetic crap? The whole ad campaign with its stupid puns, and “we’re parting ways” lines, and the dripping mops they confront is downright annoying. I promise, no one is amused. 02.02.08

455. People who suck at public speaking, who hold the microphone so that it’s nowhere near their mouth, and the crowd can barely make out what they’re saying. Hold the damn mic up to your lips and talk! I’ve hated this since grade school. 02.19.08

456. Adults who wear a Mickey Mouse watch. 02.19.08

457. Songs that have various noises, talking, or sound effects before the music begins. This has gotten way out of hand in recent times. When I was using an iPod Shuffle, I couldn’t tell what song I was listening to half the time when I’d play them, because so many songs had unnecessary noises before the music started. This practice needs to stop. You aren’t producing a movie soundtrack, people. I hate it! 02.24.08

458. People who call $1 bills “singles.” 02.24.08

459. When you go to a bowling alley that is having a really slow day, but the staff decides anyway to put you on a lane right next to someone else, so that you both must share the computer and ball return. Come on! Don’t ever do this. Even worse is when you are already bowling alone, and later notice some obnoxious family waddling over to your lane. Personally, I like to leave at that point. 02.29.08

460. When you hand someone your camera at a party and ask them to take your picture. Why does the person always say, “Okay. What do I do...?” What do you think you do? You can start by pressing the button on the top of the camera that takes a picture. This is the same for every camera ever invented. What is wrong with you? 02.29.08

461. When a man uses the phrase “We’re pregnant,” when referring to a baby on the way with his wife/girlfriend. 04.05.08

462. When someone calls vanilla wafers “Nilla wafers.” 04.10.08

463. When I’m driving and my passenger starts mashing their foot on the floor when they think I should be braking. So many people do this, it is unreal. What is the matter with you all? Isn’t it blatantly obvious that you are not the person driving? Never in my life have I ever tried to press a nonexistent pedal on the wrong side of the car. 04.10.08

464. While at the beach, having to walk back to the car while wearing flip flops with wet feet! The feel of the dry sand sticking between my toes is one the worst feelings I can think of. 04.12.08

465. Amber alerts! These get on my nerves so bad. They announce these alerts on road signs, which distracts drivers who can’t read a paragraph of information. Do you really think I’m going to spot a missing child, whose picture isn’t shown, on a freeway driving 75 mph? They play these alerts on TV, too. Sometimes while watching a program, a scroll will appear to announce that a child is missing. Come on! There are billions of people in the world. Unless the missing person is standing in my living room, then I doubt I’m going to find them! I pay an asinine amount of money for my cable and don’t want to see a scroll on my screen. 04.12.08

466. Now they have added Silver alerts, for when adults or old people wander off. I don’t care. If a free-thinking adult wanders off and can’t be found, then tough shit. 04.12.08

467. When I see people in my neighborhood drive to their mailbox before pulling in the driveway. How lazy are you?! 04.19.08

468. When someone tells me things I should add to my hate list. I don’t hate the same things you do. If you’re so opinionated, go start your own. 04.20.08

469. When I go to raise the window blinds and unwittingly miss one strand of the cord, making them struggle upward all lopsided, as I pull. This happens to me a lot. 04.22.08

470. Why is it so common that when I come to a stop at a stoplight, the one exact spot I’m sitting in happens to be the one location on the planet Earth where I can’t get a decent radio signal? All too often I come to a halt at a red light to hear static, or an overlay of another station. I then have to go about rolling back or forward just to hear it clearly. What is the deal?! 04.23.08

471. Marathon running! It seems that as of late, a lot of publicly has been devoted to this ridiculous pastime. Is this even real? Let me say that if you are running a marathon, and you walk at any point, or lightly jog, then you are not running! That simply doesn’t cut it. Let me be blunt. I do not believe that any human being has ever run 26 miles at one time...ever. I don’t believe it’s possible. I think the whole notion is a big gag. It’s probably not normal for anybody to run more than ten miles at a time, at most. This is very unnatural. I don’t give credibility to anyone who pretends to have done it. I’m afraid you’ve have all been had. 04.24.08

472. Know-it-alls who use terms like “vis-a-vis.” 05.11.08

473. Emails that have some long, stupid story about someone doing something embarrassing, and end with the word “priceless.” An example would go as follows: “Ruined wedding dress: $2000. Spilled champagne: $1000. Seeing the groom getting kicked in the balls: Priceless.” When I get a forwarded email, I usually scroll straight to the end. If I see “priceless,” it goes in the trash at once! 05.11.08

474. When you get low in a squirt bottle and it starts spitting air. You have to hold it perfectly flat to try to get as much juice as you can. Why does it always leave a bit in the bottom that you can never reach? I feel the weight of the liquid, but all I get is air. Fix this problem! 05.17.08

475. The fact that every time a person announces that someone just had a baby, they always, by default, throw in the baby’s weight. Did I ask? Who cares. Is it alive? Good enough for me. 05.21.08

476. Ice cream trucks roaming through my neighborhood! I am so sick of this. The first time I saw an ice cream truck cruising my streets with its cutesy music, I thought “how nice.” No longer. The truck drives past my house every other afternoon! It’s old now, okay? The truck is a beat up old Chevy Astro mini van, with some child-like stickers plastered on it. It literally drives through in July playing jingle bells, and other Christmas jingles! No kidding. People can buy every type of ice cream known to man in the store down the street. Go get a real job. You look like a pedophile. 05.31.08

477. When people say the word “bury” with too much inflection on the “u” in the word, so it comes out sounding like “burrry.” I hate it. Just say “berry.” 05.31.08

478. The notion of a secret recipe. Some old ladies think they are hot shit with their “secret” recipes. Piss off. What are you, 11 years old? Grow up. 06.13.08

479. Girls who shower with long hair and plaster their discarded locks on the shower wall. Thanks for keeping the drain clear, my dear, but I hate it that out of the corner of my eye, it looks like gorilla is standing over my shoulder. How can there be so much hair? 06.25.08

480. The obnoxious man who advertises for OxyClean in TV commercials! Billy Mayes is his name. Why is he yelling all the time?! 07.09.08

481. Cars that are missing all four hubcaps. How does this happen? My car is ten years old and all of mine are intact. I see this all the time on the road. I could imagine someone losing one in an accident or something, but all four? How?! 07.09.08

482. White crayons. Why do they even put these in a box in the first place? They are absolutely good for nothing. Even when used on black paper, you can barely see it. They should rename it “faint grease mark.” 07.09.08

483. The word delicatessen. What a pretentious-sounding word. 07.19.08

484. Very country southern people who refer to children as “youngins.” You sound like an idiot. 07.20.08

485. When people balk at my grammar in my use of such phrases as “Me and Laura,” versus saying “Laura and I.” I catch some flack now and again regarding my grammar from people who read my blog. I know it is technically proper to use “I” when referring to yourself, but it doesn’t sound good in a conversation. It doesn’t roll right, somehow. It’s a sentence stopper. I almost never use “I” in that instance. It’s just too proper, like a Grey Poupon commercial. So between “you and me,” I’m going to do it my way. 07.20.08

486. Anyone who has ever knowingly used another person’s toothbrush. Sick! Why would someone ever do such a thing, or find it acceptable? No matter how desperate, I would never, ever allow such a thing. Disgusting! Nobody, but nobody, will ever use my toothbrush! You got it? Not my girlfriend, my wife, my twin brother, or any other conceivable scenario. Even if another version of myself somehow appeared in a time machine, I wouldn’t let the Craig from five minutes ago touch my toothbrush. 07.27.08

487. The completely obnoxious radio commercial for Omega Sports. This may pertain to residents of North Carolina only. It comes charging through with a loud smacking racquetball sound, accompanied a loud group shouting “OOOMEGA!” When I hear it, I want to shove my fist through my radio and choke the assholes on the other side. It is the exact same commercial that this company has had on the radio for the past 15 or so years. I’m absolutely sick of it. Enough is enough! 07.31.08

488. The word hushpuppies. How did such a nonsensical term ever make its way into mainstream language? I particularly hate it when it is used in reference to shoes. Jimmy Buffett comes to mind with his song, “I got my hushpuppies on...” Wap! Wap! That was the sound of me hitting you in the face, Jimmy! 08.11.08

489. The Beach Boys. I’m sorry if you’re a fan, but they suck. Always did. Always will. They were the 1960s equivalent to the New Kids on the Block or the Spice Girls. The only difference is, the latter groups had a lot higher production value and semi-decent songwriting. The Beach Boys sound like a bunch of untalented kids singing on top of each other in an abandoned warehouse bathroom. The songwriting and lyrics were particularly horrid. They deserve a plaque in the Hall of Shame. 08.11.08

490. Gynecologists who look like Robert Duvall. 08.11.08

491. The tiny little “L” and “R” that is printed on all little earbud headphones that indicate which one goes in your left ear, and which goes in your right. I am sick and tired of twisting and turning these little things to read which one goes in which ear. Why doesn’t somebody just make some that are black on one side and white on the other? Make it more obvious! I’ve had enough of this! 08.14.08

492. The smell of Patchouli. 08.24.08

493. When the paparazzi photograph female celebrities who are early into a pregnancy, and call her bulging midsection a “baby bump.” 08.24.08

494. When people on the Internet use the keystroke <3 to represent a heart, or to symbolize love. Does that look like a heart to you? I always see it as “less than three.” 08.25.08

495. Why is it that I can’t simply buy a 1 lb. package of ground beef at the grocery store? They always come in the damnedest weights, like 1.27 pounds. Who wants that crazy amount of beef? Don’t they have a machine that can grind beef into simple 1 lb. packages?! Even if someone was eyeballing it by hand, they could do a lot better than the ridiculously random amounts I see on the shelves today. Seriously, whatever the cause of this is, it’s absurd. 08.25.08

496. Horseradish sauce! If you think this is good, there must be something fundamentally wrong with you. 08.27.08

497. Bahia grass. If you don’t know what this is, it is a weed that grows very quickly. It’s tall and thin, with a “Y” shape at the top. They are all over my yard, as they are quite prevalent here in North Carolina. They can grow up to my knees in a matter of days. Mowing them is quite a nuisance, as they tend to just bend over and pop back up after the mower passes over them! Worst of all, the little black seeds that line the Y shape get all lodged in my leg hair if I walk through the yard wearing shorts. I wish this particular plant could be eliminated! 08.27.08

498. Christy McVee from Fleetwood Mac. I can’t stand the sound of her voice, regardless if she is singing or just speaking. I swear she sounds like a man, or a woman who has taken too many male hormones. 09.03.08

499. When people reply to emails without quoting the original message. Sometimes I send mail from different programs, and I don’t have the original sent copy to refer to. Other times, I simply have no idea what the person is even talking about. 09.03.08

500. The seemingly endless amount of helicopters that fly overhead in my city. It seems that they are all timed to my break and lunch at work. I often step outside to use my cell phone, only to have a helicopter come roaring overhead as soon as I make a connection. Other times, I try to nap in my car for a few minutes, only to have the inevitable helicopter show up, only to stop and hover right over my car, just to piss me off. Why are there so many helicopters?! What is going on?! 09.03.08

501. People who rip audio CDs using the setting of Joint Stereo! 09.06.08

502. When I’m shopping aisle by aisle in the grocery store, and I keep crisscrossing the same other shoppers again and again, all the way through the store! 09.12.08

503. The overwhelming number of brides who wear a sleeveless wedding dress! This just rakes on my nerves for some reason. It’s just not attractive, and I think that it’s too casual for such a formal event. Picture in your mind the groom wearing a black tank top that has a design of a tuxedo on it. To me, that is the same equivalent. This is only my opinion, but I think that dressing formal means having sleeves that run to the wrist on everyone. Brides should only wear a sleeveless dress if their wedding is on the beach! I’ve always felt this way, and Laura thinks I’m crazy. 09.12.08

504. When they play Christmas movies on TV in the middle of the summer! 09.16.08

505. Pasta salad! 09.23.08

506. Cantaloupe. I’ve never liked this fruit. The taste has always turned me off. You know the taste of blood in your mouth when you cut your lip or gum? To me, it tastes just like that, but refrigerated. 09.24.08

507. Gin. It tastes and smells like pine sap. 09.26.08

508. Anyone who gets out of their car and runs around to their trunk at a stoplight! 09.26.08

509. The obnoxiously loud sound of a bathroom exhaust fan. Why is it so ridiculously loud? It isn’t all that annoying at first, but it slowly grates on your nerves over time when left on, making you eventually want to run in the bathroom with a shotgun and start blasting at the ceiling. Seriously, make these quieter! 09.27.08

510. Scrappy Doo. He is the most annoying pissant cartoon character I can think of. 10.03.08

511. People who cheat at Monopoly. That’s why I always want to be the banker. 10.03.08

512. Penny loafers. 10.04.08

513. Eating boiled peanuts when I have a cut on my finger! 10.06.08

514. Doing anything that will make my face sweat while I’m wearing glasses. I absolutely can’t stand that! If I somehow ran out of contacts, I’d mow the yard blind before I did it with my glasses steaming up and sliding off my nose! 10.08.08

515. When somebody asks me if they can try on my glasses. Glasses are a personal thing. I don’t want them touching your face. 10.19.08

516. The new small caps that they put on 20 oz. Cokes these days. They are utterly infuriating. It takes me up to three tries to get it right every time I screw one on. Come on! If I’m paying an absurd $1.49 for this, I shouldn’t have to work so hard. 10.19.08

517. The fact that year after year, Christmas decorations pop up earlier and earlier. Today, October 21st, I drove past my local mall to find it decked out in holiday lights and decorations. Have they no shame? It isn’t even Halloween yet! I’m disgusted. 10.21.08

518. People on the radio, TV, and in life who endlessly gripe about their dry-cleaning misadventures. I have a set of rules that I follow. If you’re thinking of buying kitchenware that isn’t both microwave safe and dishwasher safe; or you’re thinking of buying clothes that are dry-clean only, do not under any circumstances buy it. Period. Problem solved. Forever. If you bought a dry-clean only garment, then you’re a fool and deserve the hassle that will undoubtedly ensue. 10.25.08

519. Denim jackets. I don’t care how expensive one can get, they all look like they came from a flea market. Take it off. The 80s are over. 11.08.08

520. The endless racket of birthday dinners when I go out to eat a meal at a restaurant. I’m sick and tired of a line of waiters walking by my table smacking plates and making noise to sing someone a ridiculous happy birthday song. Enough! In addition to the non-smoking section, please give me a kid-free section, and a birthday-free section! It’s just ridiculous! 11.08.08

521. The kids play areas that are present at nearly every fast food restaurant these days. My local McDonalds barely has enough tables for the lunch customers because half of the building is consumed by a gigantic play area for kids, complete with a two-story makeshift jungle, with dual DVD screens playing cartoons. Is the price of that shit added to every meal that I buy? I’m sick of this. My eating lunch and little brats horsing around in a plastic jungle are not compatible. It is not a good idea to teach children that every public place is one where they can act like a lunatic and disrupt life for adults. Piss off. 11.08.08

522. The completely absurd, out of place animated dancing hamburger scene in the movie Better Off Dead. As much as I love this movie, I fast-forward that scene every single time. 11.13.08

523. When I shuffle cards and accidentally have the stack in one hand face-up, completely mixing them together in all directions. 11.16.08

524. That obnoxious bitch Omarosa, who is somehow still on TV years after her season of The Apprentice ended. Go away! I hate you! We all do! 12.06.08

525. The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I’m sorry, but this movie is both boring and depressing. I finally punished myself by watching it a couple of years ago for the first time. It isn’t even a Christmas movie! It just happens to be set at Christmas time. I could understand this movie being a success if movies were just invented the year before it was filmed, but not otherwise. Yet this movie is aired over and over again every year. The famous scene with the little girl spouting, “Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings, and angel gets its wings,” personally makes me want to vomit. I’d like to travel through time and appear on the set of this movie just to throw a hot cup of coffee in that girl’s face at that very moment. 12.23.08

526. The phrase “second cousin once removed.” Just what the hell is that supposed to mean, anyway? 12.28.08

527. Girls who wear black nail polish! 12.29.08

528. The fact that every time I put a cup with a handle in the microwave, the handle is never facing me when I open the door to get it out. I can’t recall a single time in my life when I opened the microwave door to find the handle in a position where I could easily reach it. How can that be! 01.01.09

529. The fact that I still receive blonde jokes in email...in 2009. Come on. Those jokes got old a decade ago. 01.07.09

530. Paul Shaffer. I’ve always found him to be a non-funny, obnoxious little rat. 02.01.09

531. Miller High Life. An absolutely disgusting beer, to say the least. 02.19.09

532. Rush Limbaugh. I absolutely hate that obnoxious asshole. It’s terrible to say, but I wish his fat ass would just die already. 02.20.09

533. Fat-free cheese. I don’t know what it really is, but it’s not cheese. Try heating up some shredded fat-free cheese and watch it turn into a bizarre sheet of weird plastic. If people think this is somehow healthier than real cheese, they are kidding themselves. 02.22.09

534. Child girl actors who have a forced and obnoxious lisp. The little girl in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire comes to mind right now. 02.22.09

535. The whiney sound of the lead singer of the group Counting Crows. There are only one or two songs I can tolerate by this band. The singer’s voice and style sound like complete and utter whining, and it grates on my last nerve. 02.24.09

536. Rags that have tags on them. Why put a permanent tag on such a small object that I’m wiping all over my body? Lunacy. 03.10.09

537. I get absolutely infuriated every time that I call someones cell phone and start to leave a voicemail, only to have that person call me back and start beeping in on call waiting as soon as I start talking. I hang up all sides at that point. It makes me so mad. At least be kind enough to wait a minute before returning the call so I can finish my message. I fear that if I switch over without halting the voicemail, it will keep trailing on forever, in silence. 03.13.09

538. I completely despise those cheap, ghetto “Mr. P’s” frozen pizzas. They are so dirt cheap and disgusting, they barely even pass as real food. In all seriousness, I’d rather sprinkle some parmesan cheese over a strip of cardboard and eat it. 03.22.09

539. Babies on an airplane who endlessly babble, scream, whine and cry for hours, then eventually stand up in their chair and peep over the back and smile at me with a shit-eating grin on their face. I’m forced to bite my tongue and smile back, although in my mind I’m slapping them across the face. 04.08.09

540. When I have to replace the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. Each time I make certain that the spring-loaded rod holding the roll in place is secure, only for it to pop off and fall on the floor when I next touch the roll. What’s the deal? I swear this happens to me half the time I change it...no kidding. I am sick of this! 04.08.09

541. When anyone sucks in their cheeks and makes a fish face with their lips. This is the number one stupidest, most retarded, and childish expression that anyone could ever have on their face. I immediately lose all respect for anyone who does this kind of thing in front of me. Consider yourself warned. 04.25.09

542. The word clit. (Just the word.) 05.30.09

543. The saying, “As American as apple pie.” What a dumb thing to say. 05.30.09

544. People with the window seat on an airplane who immediately shut the window upon sitting down. Screw you. I want to see what's going on outside, you ass! 05.30.09

545. The horrendous name “Desiree.” What a terrible name. It’s just awful. Who would name their kid Desiree? Those parents should be charged with child abuse. The name makes me picture a very dated woman from the 80s with big hair and shoulder pads. 06.20.09

546. The one dork at every high school graduation who gets an award for having never missed a single day of school in their whole life. Get a life, will ya? 06.27.09

547. Hearing or reading the word “centenarian.” I always think they are talking about a centaur. 07.19.09

548. John Belushi. I never found him amusing or funny. In the early days of SNL, he was always an obnoxious loudmouth. In addition, the 1978 movie Animal House is not funny to me at all. I love comedies of all kinds, but Animal House has always rubbed me the wrong way. Belushi and that movie are both completely obnoxious. 07.19.09

549. The horrible, oversized, bloated shopping carts that are made for parents with children. These carts are either ridiculously long to allow room for two child seats at the back, or are completely remade into a race car, or something similar. Get rid of these now! They take up an incredible amount of space in the aisles, and it feeds the notion that make children believe that the entire world revolves around them. If you’re a child over two years old and can walk, then walk around the store on your own two legs. Ugh. You little brats. 07.31.09

550. The company suffix PLLC. It stands for Professional Limited Liability Company. I can accept INC and LLC, but the introduction of PLLC is just silly. If you have your own company, aren’t you already assumed to be a professional? PLLC is just a step too far. It sounds so convoluted and self-righteous, and I hate it. 07.31.09

551. When news people mention a dollar figure in the billions and feel the need to add, “That’s billion with a B.” Yes, we heard. 08.09.09

552. Domain names with hyphens in them. They look so lame, desperate, and cheesy. 08.22.09

553. Why is it when I go out for lunch that I see so many young whippersnappers in shirts and ties who feel it is necessary to wear sunglasses with a strap around their neck? I see this almost every day. What is the strap for? Are they afraid they might fly off their face? What is the logic in this? Who decided it was cool to have a strap attached to their shades? I’ll fill you in on a secret, it isn’t cool at all. 09.04.09

554. Similar to item #341 on my list, I hate songs that have police sirens in them. Nothing is worse than hearing this on the radio and having to look around nervously to find a police car that isn’t even there. 09.15.09

555. People that pronounce the word “niche” as “neesh.” 09.15.09

556. Storing liquor in the freezer! Gross. I know that liquor doesn’t freeze, but it still seems to thicken quite a bit. Near-frozen, congealed vodka or rum doesn’t mix well and also doesn’t go down in shot form nearly as easily. A lot of people will probably disagree with me on this, but I still hate it. 09.27.09

557. People who verbally communicate a website address and say, “H-T-T-P colon backslash backslash.” What the hell are they talking about? There is no backslash used in Internet addresses! Get your stupid act together. 11.03.09

558. Butter mints. 11.24.09

559. Getting a piece of hair trapped in the back of my throat. Nothing seems to wash the little bastard down. How long does it take saliva to break down hair? Too long, I tell you! 11.24.09

560. People who refer to tuna as “tuna fish.” Usually it’s an old lady saying it. Everybody knows what tuna is! There is no need to say that you just ate a tuna fish sandwich. 12.01.09

561. When this simple list of items ends up requiring HTML, CSS, Javascript, PHP, SQL, XML, and XSLT to display on a computer screen. 12.17.09

562. I hate the cheesiest recording artist in the history of the world, Cristy Lane, who sings such horrendous abominations as “I Believe in Angels” and “One Day at a Time.” In addition, may I add that this woman has the worst hair in the history of the world. Her pictures from the 70s and 80s look like a human Chia Pet.12.17.09

563. When someone who makes it a point to tell you that it's their birthday. How lonely and desperate is that? Get a life. 12.18.09

564. Driving a car while wearing a leather jacket. It's almost impossible to get comfortable or manage to accomplish anything. 12.27.09

565. Adults who pass on the wine or champagne, and instead buy sparkling cider to pour for a New Years toast. What, are you seven years old? Grow up, you pussies. 12.30.09

566. Girls over five years old who call themselves a princess. 01.09.10

567. I hate people who use the stupid-sounding idiom “swan song.” 01.11.10

568. Guys named Tom that spell their name “Thom.” What a douche. 01.26.10

569. The word “bayou.” 02.22.10

570. Songs that begin with a sound effect, such as a bird chirping, a car starting, or a phone ringing. I can’t stand it. I have headphones on so that I don't have to hear those noises! 02.22.10

571. People with a birthday of February 29. 03.26.10

572. Men who wear turtlenecks. (Steve Jobs will be excused.) 04.13.10

573. The term “mutually exclusive.” What the hell does that mean, exactly? I have never quite wrapped my head around what is being implied there. 04.18.10

574. The ridiculous amount of trash that comes with the purchase of a new shirt. I unpackaged a new shirt the other day. I spent over three minutes removing stickers, tags, plastic loops, pieces of cardboard, and more. By the time the shirt was on my body, I had practically filled a 13-gallon trash bag with the debris. It's completely insane. 04.18.10

575. People who double-space after a period while typing. 04.26.10

576. When someone actually says “OMG” in verbal communication. 05.03.10

577. Honey buns that have white icing on them. Gross. 05.03.10

578. When people wear those transition glasses that darken in the sunlight. I've never owned any, and would never want to. To me, it visually ages a person by adding unnecessary darkness around their eyes when in dimmer environments. Not to mention it also sometimes can appear mafia-esque. I assure you that this is in reference to no one in particular. 05.13.10

579. The moment in the middle of the ending credits of a movie when the title theme song drifts into a bland, generic instrumental bunch of hogwash. It seems that nearly every movie resorts to this. It's often inappropriate and depressing. I hate it. 05.13.10

580. Men in the bathroom at work who dart into a stall and immediately start blowing their nose in a lame attempt to cover up what they're really doing. I swear this happens almost every day. You're not fooling anyone! Despite your stupid act, I can still overhear the runny shit sputtering from your ass while you blow your (already clear) nose. 05.13.10

581. The tech term “augmented reality.” 05.20.10

582. Online profile pictures that contain more than one person in them. I often see friends on Facebook who have another person in their profile photo, be it their spouse, friend, or whoever. I hate it. There should only be one person in your profile picture...you! 05.31.10

583. Candy canes that are green and yellow striped. Yucky. Why am I posting this in June? I just thought of it, that's why. 06.05.10

584. Movies that interweave a love story with basketball. 06.11.10

585. I hate hearing someone say that frowning uses more muscles than smiling. How can this be true? Who truly frowns, anyway? Anyone who really makes a ridiculously unrealistic frowny face is obviously not being serious. Most times, what would be considered to be frowning is actually just a lack of a smile. And I don't see how not smiling uses more muscles than smiling itself. 06.11.10

586. Outdoor temperatures that exceed 75 degrees. 06.13.10

587. People who plaster websites on the back of their cars and trucks. 06.23.10

588. I hate it when someone uses a nickname on their Facebook profile. 06.23.10

589. People who show up at their place of work when they are not scheduled to be there. Too often, I see people at my job who show up after retirement, or on their day off to show off their babies. Go home and get a life, each and every one of you. 06.23.10

590. The Vuvuzela! What an extremely annoying noisemaker this thing is. 06.24.10

591. Sneaky people who send emails that display as being sent to an “undisclosed recipient.” 07.04.10

592. Women who refer to their husband as their “hubby.” I see this on Facebook way too often. I hate it. 07.14.10

593. Why is it that every time it is hot outside, the news has to use the word “scorcher” and include a picture of kids playing around a fire hydrant? 08.01.10

594. People who point at things with their middle finger. 08.01.10

595. The name Gwendolyn. What an ugly name. 08.08.10

596. Any song that refers to a “honky tonk.” I particularly hate it when that term is used as a verb. 08.08.10

597. Websites that say they have X number of photos of something amazing, but each one is shown on a separate page so they can serve more ads. Screw it. The payoff is almost never worth the effort. 08.13.10

598. This hatred comes in the form of a direct quote from my mom. “I hate Justin Bieber and his little sissy haircut.” I concur. 08.13.10

599. The country music duo Brooks and Dunn are reportedly calling it quits. The best thing about this news is that we will no longer have to look at Ronnie Dunn's absurd beard, hair and bangs. Seriously, his bangs have always looked ridiculous. 09.04.10